MARVEL TEAM UPS
by Marvelite5Ever
Summary: A fic consisting ENTIRELY of TEAM-UPS between various MARVEL characters! Ch1: Quicksilver plus Shadowcat. Ch2: Loki plus Rogue. Ch3: Sabretooth plus Cyclops. Ch4: Hawkeye plus Angel. Ch5: Nick Fury plus Deadpool.
1. Quicksilver plus Shadowcat

_Q: So, what story is this?**  
><strong>_

**A: This is MARVEL TEAM UPS! A chapter fic consisting ENTIRELY of AWESOME TEAM-UPS between various MARVEL characters! It is also a PRESENT for I'vebeenLOKI'Dyetagain's sister, FrostedFangirl7413! The first 15 CHAPTERS are for Frosted's birthday, and they shall each be a team-up between an AVENGER and an X-MAN! The idea of which was borrowed from the "A+X" MARVEL comics!**

_Q: So, these are superhero team-ups?_

**A: Superheroes, supervillains, characters that don't quiet fit in either category, THEY'RE ALL TEAMING UP! **

_Q: Do I have to know anything about the characters and their arcs in the comics in order to enjoy this story?_

**A: NOT AT ALL! Just dive right in! SCREW CONTINUITY, this story is just about AWESOME CHARACTERS being AWESOME TOGETHER, written with the goal of portraying each character in a way that can be enjoyed whether you KNOW A LOT about the characters or DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL! **

_Q: Oh, okay. So, who is in this chapter, then?_

**A: This chapter we have QUICKSILVER (Pietro Maximoff), the teenage silver-haired speedster from "X-Men: Days of Future Past" teaming up with SHADOWCAT (Kitty Pryde), a teenage X-Man who can turn herself intangible at will! And this team-up is actually based on the MCU characters, rather than the COMIC!VERSE characters. **

_Q: But wait a moment! First of all, aren't the actor who plays Pietro and the actress who plays Kitty both actually 27 years old, not teenagers? And wasn't Pietro a a young guy 1970s, while Kitty was a young woman in the 2020s? So technically Pietro at that point would be an old man—_

**A: FORGET CONTINUITY! THIS IS AU! (Also because the Avengers are mentioned) STOP THINKING SO MUCH AND JUST _ENJOY THE AWESOMENESS!_ **

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><p><em><span><strong>Quicksilver + Shadowcat<strong>_

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><p>Kitty was taking a day off from being an X-Man.<p>

Today, in all sense and purposes, she was just a regular teenage girl out for a day of shopping and hanging at the mall. She just needed to get away from the crazy for a day.

Instead of her black X-Man leathers, she was wearing skinny jeans and a black t-shirt that said: 'You Only Live Once', in gray lettering, and concluded, '_so dance' _in red_. _

It was a nice day—sunshine, blue sky, and a few fluffy white clouds, no breeze—as she window-shopped around the outdoor mall.

Then suddenly there was a gust of wind, and a huge shadow fell across her.

_[Mutant detected. Identification: Kitty Pryde. Proceed with extermination.] _

"Seriously?!" Kitty said, instinctively phasing as the huge, purple Sentinel blasted at her with its laser-eyes. "I can't even go to the mall like a normal person without one of these things attacking me?! What is wrong with the government?! I thought they got rid of these things!"

She was completely unaffected by the laser blast in her intangible state, the atoms passing harmlessly through the gaps between her own, her brown hair not even ruffled. The clothing store behind her didn't fare half so well.

"All these things do is cause a bunch of property damage!" she griped, as the Sentinel tried to crush her with a huge, purple metal foot, only succeeding in putting a crater in the bricks that made up the path.

Phasing inside the Sentinel, Kitty traveled upwards through the circuitry as if she were running up a flight of stairs, causing the electronics in the robot to short-circuit and spark around her, fast and bright like firecrackers.

"There," she said, phasing out of the sentinel as it crashed to the ground in a pile of lifeless metal. "Now, maybe I can still salvage my day out—"

_[Two mutants identified.]_

Before she could even turn around to see the Sentinel that had appeared behind her, much less turn intangible—_Fwoosh!—s_he was suddenly several yards away, on the roof of a building, with a teenage guy standing next to her.

He was a whole six inches taller than her, lean, with pale skin and dark, dark brown eyes behind a pair of goggles, and silver hair that transitioned from nearly black near his scalp to nearly white at the ends. He was dressed in black jeans and a black Pink Floyd shirt, with a shiny silver jacket and silver running shoes with bright blue laces.

"You really should pay more attention," he was saying, speaking quickly, "These Sentinel things almost always travel in packs, you know."

"Who—" Kitty started, but the teenage boy was gone in a silver and black blur.

The blur sped around and around the Sentinel's feet, its legs, its arms and torso, and the boy had apparently got hold of a lot of rope somewhere, as the Sentinel was completely tied up, unable to move. Its knees buckled, and it fell forward face-first into the ground, shattering its faceplate.

"My name's Pietro Maximoff," he said, suddenly beside her. He smiled, large and without showing any teeth. "I run very fast. You are?"

Kitty blinked her hazel eyes. "Kitty Pryde," she answered, somewhat bewildered. "How come—"

"You think that's all of them?" Pietro asked, and then he was gone, appearing hardly a moment later as a silhouette on top of the clock tower, and then he was next to her again, saying, "Shit. Shitshitshitshitshitthere'slikeawholehoardofthemcomingou'dthinktheywouldn'tneedthatmanyagainsttwomutantswhatthehell."

If Kitty had thought Pietro was talking fast earlier, it was nothing compared to the speed of his speech now, all his words running together like he couldn't get them out fast enough to keep up with his brain.

"AndImeanI'mnotsurehowmuchIcandoagainsthugemetalrobotsalthoughIsupposeIcouldtrytoblowthemupwithmykineticvibrationsbutI'venevertrieditonanythingsolargebeforeandthere' 'syourpowerpleasetellmeit'ssomethingawesomeandbadasssorryIwaslatetothepartyhowdidyoudefeatthefirstSentinel?"

"Um," she said, her mind taking a moment to try to parse through what he'd just said. "I can turn intangible, and when I phase through electronics they short-circuit." She looked to where he had gestured, drawing a sharp breath as she saw the dozen or so Sentinels flying towards them. "Oh, that is _complete _overkill. The time it would take me to phase through that many..."

Pietro couldn't stop moving. Even when he was standing 'still' his entire body was vibrating minutely, like a proton that was being repelled by the magnetic force but held tight by the strong force and really wanted nothing more than to shoot away from the nucleus.

"Canyouphaseotherpeople?" he asked, his agitation continuing to make him speak at a rate that was nearly impossible to decipher.

In the moment it took Kitty to understand what he asked and to answer, it felt like hours to him. He was always waiting for the world to catch up.

"Yes," Kitty said, "If I concentrate, and if we keep contact." She placed a hand on his vibrating shoulder, saying, "Watch," as the Sentinels arrived, blasting them with red lasers from their glowing synthetic eyes.

The lasers passed straight through their bodies harmlessly, not even felt, as the building they were standing on exploded beneath them, but they stayed standing right where they were, hovering in air.

"Thatissocool," Pietro said, dark brown eyes wide. "HangonKittyandkeepconcentratingonkeepingusintangiblewetotallygotthis."

And then Kitty found herself being swept up in Pietro's arms, bridal-style, and she could hardly register the world whizzing by her.

Pietro, on the other hand, was having the time of his life. Not only was he running, he was running _on air_, and _through the metal bodies _of those stupid Sentinels, and he smiled as he watched each spark that erupted from the mechanics he was short-circuiting, each one like a tiny firefly drifting languidly in slow-motion. There were mazes of turning gears and tangles of black and red wires, and he followed them to the centers of the Sentinels, wrapping Kitty with one arm so he could reach out with the other and tear the mainboard out, which he would then wrap Kitty's arms around, before sweeping her up under the knees again and moving—running—_flying—_to the next Sentinel.

All of this felt like only a couple seconds to Kitty, a purple and white blur, and abruptly she found herself standing on yet another roof, watching as the Sentinels spontaneously crumpled, her arms full of mainboards that were still sparking at the ends of the connected pieces of wire.

"W—" she started.

"Thatwassototallyawesome!" Pietro was saying from right next to her, his hand still on her shoulder. "Let' !HeyKittycanIbeyourpersonalrunningchauffeur?"

"Can you speak slower?" she asked, brow furrowing. "It's so hard to keep up with what you're saying."

Pietro heaved the fastest exasperated sigh she had ever heard. "SorryIcanspeak slower, but I have to really concentrate on it sometimes. I was asking if I could be your personal running chauffeur? I'll carry you everywhere. Because running while intangible is _awesome." _

This time when he grinned, he showed straight white teeth, and the expression lit up his face.

"Um," Kitty said awkwardly. "I think I'll pass on that. But uh, what's with these?" she asked, indicating the mainboards in her arms.

"Oh, those," Pietro said. He waved a hand vaguely at the pile of ruined Sentinels in the middle of the mall courtyard. "Those are from inside the Sentinels, I kind of figured out how to turn my hand tangible and rip them out—I'm a quick learner like that—and I thought maybe they'd give a clue to where the robots came from, seeing as that the government supposedly put a stop to the Sentinel program. Not that I'm any good with the whole hacking thing. It takes too long. Computers are so slow."

Kitty tilted her head as she regarded him. "Why aren't you an X-Man?" she inquired.

Sirens were wailing, red and blue lights flashing from black and white cars on the streets.

"Let's go talk somewhere else," Pietro suggested, and, not waiting for an answer, picked Kitty up again and sped off.

When the world stopped streaking past, they were in a park on the other side of town.

Pietro was drinking from a water fountain beside her.

"Wha—" she managed.

"I was thirsty," Peter explained, straightening and wiping the water from his lips with the back of a hand. "All that running."

Kitty just blinked at him. "I don't think I'm going to get used to this," she remarked wryly.

Pietro laughed. "None do," he said, smirking. "Except maybe my sisters. They're real troopers. As for why I'm not part of the X-Men—Charles actually asked me to join a while ago, but I said no. No offense or anything, but you guys get a bad rap, and there's no _way_ I'm becoming a part of the whole 'mutants versus humans' and 'mutants versus mutants' thing because it's stupid and I would _never _get my either of my sisters exposed to that hatred in any way whatsoever."

There was fierce protectiveness wound taught through Pietro's figure and evident in ever line of his face.

Kitty's expression softened. "I don't have any siblings," she admitted after a moment. "Just my parents, who don't know I'm a mutant and part of the X-Men. They just think I'm attending a special school because of my above-average intellect." She shrugged, smiling somewhat bashfully. "Speaking of which, I'm pretty good with the whole hacking thing, if we want to find out what's up with these Sentinels," she tilted her chin down to indicate the electronics she still held in her arms. "I just need access to a good computer. Do you think you could—?"

Pietro spread his arms like he was presenting himself. "Anything. Anywhere." He smiled smugly. "I've even broken in and out of the Pentagon."

Raising her eyebrows, Kitty said, "Well, I don't think this will be quite _that_ difficult."

* * *

><p>As it turned out, it wasn't difficult at all.<p>

"This is so boring," Pietro complained, as he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed, watching Kitty type on one of the computers, having plugged in one of the Sentinel mainboards. He'd moved his goggles to the top of his head. Strands of silver hair drifted around his face even though there was no wind in the library, the only sign that he kept running off somewhere and then coming back to the exact same position.

"Hush," she berated him, not taking her hazel eyes off the screen. "This is a library."

"Yeah, and nobody is carrying much money with them," Pietro said, flipping through a wallet in his hands. A moment later he was flipping through a completely different wallet.

"No stealing," Kitty said severely, turning her head to pin him with her hazel gaze for a second, before turning back to the screen, fingers click-clacking away on the keys.

"I'm not," Pietro told her apathetically. "I'm putting them back in their owner's pockets. Just not necessarily the same pocket."

Kitty sighed. "Aren't you afraid somebody will notice you rushing around like that?"

"Nah," Pietro snorted, now holding a book and flipping through it, eyes scanning each page for less than a second, his fingers constantly flipping pages, as if he couldn't turn the pages fast enough for his speed of reading. "They'll never see me. And even if they do notice anything off, what can they prove? Absolutely nothing. Besides, we're like the only people in the computer area right now. Are you done yet?"

"Would you quit asking me that?" Kitty grumbled, fingers flying across the keys and eyes flicking across the screen. "You can't rush genius."

"Are you kidding me?" Pietro scoffed. "I rush _everything. _It's in my nature. I'm a speedster. I like things speed-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee."

"Yeah, I got that," Kitty mumbled distractedly. She brushed a strand of long brown hair behind her ear.

"Do you got _that_?" Pietro asked impatient, gesturing at the screen. The book he'd been holding had disappeared a while ago.

Kitty gritted her teeth but kept her gaze on the computer. _"Patience, _Pietro. Have patience. You're just distracting me," she grumbled. Her fingers danced across the keys. "How in the world did you get through school?" she inquired, shaking her head in exasperation.

"They thought I developed ADHD. And I'm telling you, I don't _do _patience," Pietro said irritably, crossing his arms, his entire body vibrating so fast all the edges of his figure were a soft blur. "Or at least, I don't do waiting around doing _nothing." _

"Okay, _fine," _Kitty said, reaching into her jean pocket and pulling out her wallet, swiveling in her chair and handing it to him forcefully. "Go buy me a latte from Starbucks or something."

A just like that, Pietro and her wallet were gone.

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><p>It took him ten minutes to get the latte and come back, and only about 30 seconds of that was the trip between the coffee shop and the library. The rest was spent with him waiting in the long line, and entertaining himself by moving objects around the shop when people weren't looking.<p>

"Here," he said, appearing out of nowhere in front of Kitty, holding out the latte. "Sorry it took so long. It was the line."

"Thank you, Pietro," Kitty smiled, taking the offered latte, and holding out her other hand for her wallet. He returned it, somewhat reluctantly. "And your timing is perfect. I think I've figured out what's up with the Sentinels."

"What?" Pietro asked. He seemed to be bouncing up and down very quickly on the balls of his feet, as he was blurring. "Come on Kitty don't tease it's not nice."

"Well, you know how the first Sentinels were constructed by Trask—"

"Yeah yeah," Pietro interrupted, motioning with his hand for her to hurry up and continue already, and just get to the important stuff.

"—well these ones seem to have gone..." Kitty trailed off, pursing her lips as she considered the best way to explain.

"Yes?" Pietro said. Impatient. Expectant. And very impatient.

"Seem to have gone _rogue," _Kitty said. "Like, they've been reprogramming themselves, following their own orders. There's no Trask or government fingerprints in the code."

"Well that's just great," Pietro said sarcastically. He'd stopped bouncing, so now it was just his foot that was a blur, tapping very, very fast against the ground. "So all this was a complete wasteoftime," he said, gesturing at the pile of Sentinel hardware. However, he gestured so fast the movement of his arm wasn't visible to the normal human eye, and there was a loud _cracking _sound.

Kitty jumped at the noise. She stared at him. "Did you just break the sound barrier with that gesture?"

"Yeah, sorry," Pietro said, pulling a face. "I try to avoid breaking the sound barrier in civilian areas because, you know, the sonic boom or whatever. Woops."

"Hey, what's going on over there?" a librarian said, walking into the computer room and glaring at them. "What was that noise?"

"Uh, nothing, sorry," Kitty said, quickly grabbing the bags Pietro had acquired for her to put the Sentinel electronics in. "I accidentally dropped something, as I was packing up. We're about to leave."

Grabbing Pietro's arm, Kitty dragged him out of the building and began leading him down the sidewalk, keeping her hand on his arm so he wouldn't run off.

"I'm _starved," _Pietro announced. "All that running. Hey, are you hungry? Can I take you out to lunch? Where's your favorite diner?"

"Um," Kitty said, casting a sidelong glance at him and smiling coyly. "Is this a date?"

"I don't know, I've never been on a date," Pietro shrugged, as he ran a hand through his silver hair. "I'm just hungry. And you have more cash than I do, so I guess it would really be _you _taking _me _out to lunch. But hey, I can take you anywhere! Where's your favorite place?"

He smiled, in a manner that, Kitty thought, was rather dorky. And maybe a little adorable.

"Okay," she smiled back. "Sure. I'm up for lunch. But, uh, my favorite place is actually in my hometown in Deerfield Illinois, which is like over 900 miles away—"

"Psh," Pietro snorted, waving a hand dismissively. "It'll only take a few minutes, less if you phase us so I don't have to run around stuff."

And then Kitty was in Pietro's arms again, and the world was nothing but colored streaks.

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><p><span><strong><em>END.<em>**

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><p><strong>I'vebeenLOKI'Dyetagain: <strong>_Alright, who kind of ships Quicksilver/Shadowcat now? *raises hand* XD I just had so much fun writing these two together! _

_And 20th Century Fox changed Pietro's character a lot in the movie, as compared to Pietro's character in the comics, so for his personality I based it more on Tommy Sheperd (Speed), Pietro's nephew, from the comics, rather than Pietro himself, as Quicksilver is a bit more surly._

_Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! Reviews are appreciated, but not obligatory ;3_


	2. Loki plus Rogue

_Q: Oh look, an update! So, who do we have in this A+X chapter?_

**A: In this chapter we have LOKI, the Norse God of Mischief who used to be an ADULT and a BAD GUY until he died sacrificing himself to stop some really BAD STUFF he orchestrated and then got brought back by his brother THOR as a young CHILD and a GOOD GUY who now tries to save the world instead of destroy it, teaming up with the mutant ROGUE, who absorbs people's powers and knowledge on skin-to-skin contact, and who used to be a BAD GAL with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants until she joined the X-Men and became a GOOD GAL. She is one TOUGH COOKIE, and she thinks Loki is a NUTTY COOKIE. **

_Q: Right... and this takes place...?_

**A: It DOESN'T MATTER! (Although, if you do keep up with MARVEL comics, this takes place sometime not too long after "Journey Into Mystery: The Terrorism Myth" for Loki, and sometime after "Uncanny Avengers: The Red Shadow" for Rogue, when she's also on the AVENGERS team as well as being an X-Man.) But you can enjoy this chapter whether you know ANYTHING about ANY of that or NOT! **

_Q: But wait a moment: Loki's not an Avenger—_

**A: SO?! His brother THOR is an Avenger! And Loki eventually joins the YOUNG AVENGERS for a time! **

_Q: Loki does _what?!

**A: But that's NOT IMPORTANT so FORGET ABOUT IT! The only thing that IS important is that LOKI and ROGUE are TEAMING UP and COMBINING THEIR AWESOMENESS! NOW STOP THINKING AND GET READING!**

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><p><em><span><strong>Loki + Rogue<strong>_

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><p>"ATTENTION, PETTY MORTALS!" Loki yelled, darting out of a dark alley and sprinting down the middle of the street and waving his arms, as hoards of poison-drooling and fire-snorting demons that were bleeding out of the fabric between realities followed after him. "If any of the multitude of superheroes that populate this frequently invaded and invariably unfortunate city of New York are currently in the vicinity, let it be known that Loki, Norse God of Mischief, is here to cause trouble with this army of demons! <em>Everybody run away in terror!" <em>

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><p><em><strong>Several minutes earlier...<strong>_

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><p>Out of thin air a fiery portal opened up, and two figures stumbled out, the portal closing up behind them as a bird made it through just in time.<p>

One of the figures was a tall, leanly muscled man with chin-length fiery red hair, wearing leather trousers and a black leather jacket with a high collar but no shirt. There was the mark of circled, inverted pentagram his chest, that at first glowed with flames, as did the man's eyes and the trident he held in his right hand; but after a moment the fiery glow died down and the man slumped forward.

He was caught by the other figure, a boy who looked to be around the age of twelve or thirteen years old. The boy had bright green eyes and dark lashes and eyebrows, though his hair was covered by a black hood, his head encompassed by a gold circlet, and he was wearing a gold-trimmed green tunic with long sleeves, and black gloves, trousers and boots. The only skin showing was that off his face, and both his gold circlet and his tunic were adorned with a design that vaguely resembled the horned helmet he'd worn in his previous life.

The boy did his best to catch the man, except, being far smaller, there wasn't much he could do besides keep the man from faceplanting into the ground, and instead set the groaning man down gently.

"Loki..." the man started, but was broken off by a coughing fit, splattering the sleeve of his jacket with blood when he covered his mouth with his elbow.

"Daimon!" Loki said urgently, pressing a gloved hand to Daimon's forehead. "Are you going to be alright? That was foolish of you. _I _was supposed to be the one who gets mortally wounded, being the 'sidekick' and all, so that you can obtain the motivation to overcome the final adversary, remember? We have to—" he glanced up, peering out of the dark alley to regard the huge skyscrapers, the bustling crowds of people, the streets clogged with honking cars, the stink of garbage and gasoline and other stenches he'd rather not identify. "Er, Daimon? What level of Hell have you brought us to _now?"_

"It's... _New York..." _Daimon grunted, trying to sit up, grimacing and clutching his side, the flesh of which had been torn away. He was bleeding heavily, skin pale and sweaty, red hair sticking to his face.

"Oh, good," Loki said. "So can those hellish demons that have been following us follow us here?"

"Yes."

"Oh, not so good then," Loki amended, grabbing one of Daimon's arms and draping it over his own shoulders, trying to tug the man to his feet. "Ups we go! We have to—"

He was cut off by a gargling roar. The air was suddenly filled with the scent of sulphur. Cars started honking, and there was the sound of tires screeching.

"This is bad," Loki breathed, green eyes wide, as he tugged on Daimon more desperately. "We have to go go go!"

But Daimon just sagged against the alley wall, eyes rolling back as the pain and blood loss rendered him limp and unconscious.

"Uh oh," Loki said, glancing around anxiously, before turning his gaze back to the injured man, allowing his teeth to worry at his lower lip.

The black and white magpie that had flown out of the portal behind them returned from its reconnaissance of the surrounding area to flutter down and land on Loki's shoulder.

"Mephisto's demons are peregrinating to this world," the magpie told him. "I suggest you contrive a plan with due haste."

"I _know _that, Ikol!" Loki snapped, glancing towards the entrance to the alley as the ground trembled with a great many heavy footsteps. "If I had my magic, I could heal him, or even send the demons back to the hell they came from, but..."

"But you don't have your magic," Ikol said. "But what _do _you have? What does Loki _always _have?"

"My evil genius?" Loki guessed. "Except that I am totally not evil—unlike you, you echo of my past evil self."

The magpie on his shoulder fixed him with its unnatural green eyes and fluttering its black and white wings irritably. "But are you_ Loki?"_

"No duh," Loki snorted, rolling his only slightly-more-natural green eyes.

"And what does Loki do when he cannot or will not fight a battle himself?" Ikol prompted.

"He manipulates someone else into fighting his battle for him," Loki answered immediately, an idea lighting up his childish face.

And then he abandoned Daimon in the alley to ran out into the middle of the street and started yelling at the top of his little godly lungs.

"ATTENTION, PETTY MORTALS!"

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><p><em><strong>Now... <strong>_

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><p>It was Rogue's day off, both from being a teacher at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning, and from being an Avenger, so she hadn't borrowed anybody's powers for the day. She'd figured that she would go to the sumptuous spa that Black Widow had introduced her to, so she'd grabbed her keys and started driving her slick silver sportscar from Westchester to New York City.<p>

She was nearing the block with the spa, when she heard:

"If any of the multitude of superheroes that populate this frequently invaded and invariably unfortunate city of New York are currently in the vicinity, let it be known that Loki, Norse God of Mischief, is here to cause trouble with this army of demons! _Everybody run away in terror!"_

And she saw Loki running down the middle of the street to her left as she came up to the intersection, an hoard of huge, red, sulfur-stinking demons behind him. There was quite a variety of them, from armored trollish brutes to huge mandibled six-legged monsters to flying creatures that looked like crosses between pterodactyls and bulls.

He was younger than when Rogue saw him last, nothing but a svelte boy of perhaps preteen age, but she still could tell exactly who the little menace was even if he hadn't just announced it to the world, and she was overwhelmingly annoyed that he apparently hadn't stayed dead.

"Loki!" she growled furiously, stepping on the gas as she whipped her car around to the left and started speeding down the street in the opposite direction of the fleeing traffic, slamming the front of her car straight into the Mischief God.

* * *

><p>"Aaagh!" Loki yelped, as he was hit by a silver convertible and rolled up onto the hood of the car and splaying out on his stomach.<p>

He managed to pick himself up and coil himself into a crouch just in time to dive over the windshield into the shotgun seat as the lady behind the wheel kept the gas pedal pressed to the floor and plowed through the demonic mob, sending them flying, or crushing them beneath the wheels.

Loki turned in the seat to grin at the woman behind the wheel, as she glanced over at him to meet his emerald gaze with her own bright green eyes. She was clothed in green as well: green leggings and thigh-high green boots with a matching hooded jacket with a vertical white stripe down her front that ended at the white belt around her hips, and her hands were covered by white gloves. Her long hair fluttered behind her as the car sped on, the tresses auburn, except for streaks of white framing her intense face, which was the only area of exposed skin.

"Ha!" Loki cried, "You think that running over them once with a car is going to stop them?! Hellish creatures, attack this fair lady!"

The 'fair lady' promptly removed one of her white-gloved hands from the steering wheel to punch the godling in the face.

Then she slammed the car into reverse, and proceeded to slam the car into the demons a second time, and then sped the vehicle forwards again and ran them over a _third _time, and then, when that still didn't off them, backed the car up again and hit them a _fourth _time. Even for demons, being crashed into by a metal vehicle at over 60 miles per hour had to take a toll eventually, right?

"Mwahahah!" Loki laughed maniacally, leaping out of the car and running down the street that was now filled with sulfuric red demon dust, "You shall never catch the God of Mischief! You misjudge the threat you are facing!"

The magpie fluttered down to fly beside him.

"I do so enjoy this villainous talk, Ikol!" Loki claimed conversationally. "It is so frivolous!"

"You overdid the evil laughter," Ikol said coolly.

"What_ever," _Loki said, quickly sprinting over to the injured redhead and pressing his fingers to the man's neck. "Oh, good, he's still alive. Let us hope he remains that way."

"Daimon Hellstrom," the green-clad lady breathed, when she saw the shirtless man slumped unconscious on the ground, covered in blood. Then her gaze landed on Loki and hardened, and she grabbed him by the collar, slamming him hard against the brick wall. "What did ya do to 'im, ya hellspawn?!" she demanded furiously.

"I didn't do anything to him!" Loki protested, eyes wide. He didn't even bother trying to struggle out of her grip. "And also, technically _he's _the hellspawn, being the Son of Satan and all that. I'm a half-giant, actually. And in fact—and I know this is hard to believe—but none of this is my fault! I didn't do _anything!"_

"_Didn't do anything?" _the scary lady hissed, "Sugah, ya know how much hell ya have unleashed on us? Ya orchestrated Osborn's siege on Asgard, ya unleashed the Sentry and nearly destroyed us _all_—"

"And then sacrificed my life to save everyone!" Loki pointed out, hands around her wrist. "But look, that _wasn't me! _Sure it was Loki, but it was the _old _Loki, and I'm the _new _Loki, Thor brought me back but I'm trying to _help _now, I'm trying to be good!"

"Yeah _right,_" she snarled at him. "After that stunt back there with all those demons—"

"Oh, _that," _Loki said, somehow managing to shrug even though he was being held off the ground and pressed up against the wall. "I needed a superhero to find me with most hasty haste, because Daimon is grievously injured, demons are after us, and I don't have any magic and can't rectify either situation."

Steely eyes narrowed at him. "Look, sugah—"

"In case you didn't notice, those demons were actually _chasing _me," Loki pointed out. "Trying to _kill me, _not following my orders. I only masqueraded as the villain because I needed to get you to follow me here. Imagine if I'd just asked you for help. Would you have believed me?"

She glared at him.

"That's what I thought," Loki said, giving a saddened and exasperated sigh. "Everyone thinks I'm evil. I have to play with it. It's kind of my super power."

"Why're all these demons chasing you?" she demanded, voice threatening and glare level as she clenched her fingers tighter in his collar.

"Daimon and I kind of pissed Mephisto off... it's a lengthy tale," Loki said, "and one that I believe would be best reserved for a later time when we are not predisposed to be attacked by his demons at any moment. Hint hint: we're wasting preciously precious time."

"You're the God of Lies, sugah. Ya can't expect me to believe any o' that bullshit," she growled at him, leaning closer. "Do ya know who Ah am?"

"Rogue of the X-Men?" Loki hazarded a guess that was definitely more of a statement than a question, trying for a small smile. "And thus, given your criminal history as a member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and the second chance that was given to you by Charles Xavier that let you turn your life around and join the good side, I am most disappointed to see you so uncompromisingly unwilling to give me a second chance here."

Rogue's eyes flashed with fury. "So ya _do_ know me. Good. So then ya know that Ah can absorb all your dirty little secrets with a li'l touch."

"I really wouldn't do that if I were you," Loki advised, squirming slightly as she held him there with one gloved hand and grabbed the fingertips of her other glove with her teeth, starting to tug it off. "A) I'm an Asgardian, and the effect on both of us from you using your powers on me would be unpredictable and most likely incredibly unpleasant. B) I have no powers, and thus you would gain no advantage from touching me. And C) I am Loki. Do you really want my knowledge and personality inside your head?"

Rogue stopped tugging on her glove, glaring at him seethingly.

Loki's expression had been rather smug, but something caught his eye and he glanced up, his eyes widening as he murmured, "Oh hell..."

"_Give us the Son of Satan and the godling," _one of the flying, horned dragon-like demons hissed, from its position on top of the building that formed the other wall of the alley. (If the demon's words were made visible in a speech bubble, they would be a dripping, Haunted House font.)

Loki shook his head emphatically.

Rogue didn't even turn to look at the demon, keeping her eyes on the Mischief God as she said, "An' if Ah do, will ya all go back to hell an' leave this world well enough alone?"

"_Yes. Now give them to us."_

"Don't!" Loki gasped, as she tightened her grip around his neck. "You can't trust demons...! And I know you can't trust me either... but Daimon would tell you never to give demons the benefit of a doubt, too... if he were conscious."

Rogue pulled off her glove with her teeth. "Shut up, sugah," she said, before leaning closer so her lips were mere millimeters from his ear. "Daimon, does he have super-strength?"

"To an extent," Loki murmured."He can also shoot fireballs from his pointy trident thing. And send demons to his personal portion of hell."

Pulling back, Rogue turned and tossed Loki to the ground. "He's all yours, then," she told the demon.

"What?!" Loki cried, as the demon jumped down and grabbed him in its claws, and he struggled uselessly against its grip. "Come _on! _This is _not_ cool!_" _

Meanwhile, Rogue knelt down next to Daimon, pressing her exposed hand to his cheek.

"Oh," she breathed, eyes widening as she absorbed his knowledge and abilities. _"Oh." _

And then she grabbed the trident from where it had fallen next to Daimon's unconscious form, and she whirled around, shooting a ball of soulfire at the winged hell creature just as it started to take off with Loki, disintegrating the demon and dropping Loki to the ground.

"Thank you!" Loki said, as he picked himself up and brushed off his hands, turning to grin at her. "If we get out of this alive, I will totally friend you on Facebook!"

"Ah know how to send the demons back to hell," Rogue said, picking up the Son of Satan and slinging him over her shoulder, striding out of the alley, trident in hand. "Hope you're up for a li'l tussle, angel, 'cause Ah got a feelin' things are goin' to get hairy from here on out."

"Oh, goody!" Loki said, trotting after her. "Sounds like fun! Assuming it doesn't involve me getting sacrificed or subjected to some other painful fate, of course."

A red, disgustingly insect-like demon sprang at them ("Gross!" Loki muttered with a grimace as he ducked behind Rogue, "A potato bug from hell! And I thought _regular_ potato bugs were repulsive.") as they cleared the mouth of the alley, but Rogue pointed Daimon's trident at the creature and blasted it with a ball of fire.

"Then ya might want to try not gettin' eaten, sugah," Rogue advised, as she dispelled the droves of demons that came at them with torrents of fireballs, whilst carrying Daimon and running in the opposite direction. "An' make yourself useful, if ya have any talents besides bein' a nut job."

"Well," Loki grinned, childishly and impishly gleeful as he ran beside her, holding up his StarkPhone and pressing something on the screen. "I know how to drive."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Several hours later... <strong>_

* * *

><p>When Daimon checked his phone after waking up in the Avengers Mansion with his injuries cleaned and tended to—and after dealing with the 'WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED' moment, which involved quite a bit of shouting from him and a brief explanation from the butler Jarvis—his phone beeped from its place in one of the pockets in his leather trousers, and he pulled it out to find that several text messages were waiting for him.<p>

_(photo of Rogue running while carrying Daimon over her shoulder)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** Don't look now, Son of Satan, but I think your machismo has been compromised.

_(selfie of Loki driving a truck with a parade of demons chasing after him)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** THE 'NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING' RULE IS FOR HUMANS!

**LOKIOFASGARD:** I AM A GOD. THUS I CAN TEXT WHILE DRIVING AND BEING CHASED BY DEMONS. GODLY MULTITASKING!

_(photo of Rogue flying using Hellstrom's soulfire powers)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** She's a quick learner, that Rogue. I'm almost impressed.

_(photo of Rogue setting up a ritual circle in the middle of the street)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** I hope she knows what she's doing.

**LOKI OF ASGARD: **My pet magpie flew off somewhere. He has no faith.

_(photo from inside of a truck of demons trying to tear their way inside, the view of the skyscrapers speeding by)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING UNCONSCIOUS, HELLSTROM! I BLAME YOU!

_(photo of the hoard of demons disappearing into the fiery portal Rogue set up, taken through the rear window of a truck)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** Bye bye infernal demons. Miss you!

**LOKIOFASGARD:** (NOT!)

_(photo of the inside of the wrecked truck, the view of the city sideways through the cracked windshield)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** Oops. I apparently require more practice driving these fragile Midgardian transportation vehicles. I may have overestimated the break pedal and steering capabilities.

**LOKIOFASGARD:** Hellstrom, wherever did you misplace that delightful carriage pulled by those three demonic horses?

_(photo of Hellstrom unconscious in a bed at the Avengers Mansion, wounds all tended to)_

**LOKIOFASGARD:** This is what you look like when you're sleeping. Just so you know. You are going to have terrible behead hair.

**LOKIOFASGARD:** If I'm not there when you wake up, it's probably because Rogue and I ventured forth into the city in quest for delicious cooked flesh.

_(selfie of Loki grinning and sitting next to an annoyed looking Rogue in a restaurant booth)_

**LOKIOFASGARD: **You are missing out, Daimon! This place serves breakfast all day! They have pancakes. And bacon. Lovely, lovely bacon.

**LOKIOFASGARD: **And Rogue isn't nearly so scary now thasjfkljewmklsmdnfkldsaj

**LOKIOFASGARD: **This is Rogue, confiscating Loki's StarkPhone. I honestly don't understand how you've been putting up with the kid, Daimon. He's a real nutcase.

Daimon snorted, thumbs tapping against the keypad on the screen.

* * *

><p>"Rogue!" Loki protested, trying to grab his StarkPhone out of her hands as she held it out of reach. "Give that back!"<p>

"Not a chance, sugah," Rogue said, pushing him back down into his seat, lips twitching upwards slightly.

"Meanie!" Loki pouted, crossing his arms and leaning back, glaring at her with childish indignation.

"Those doe eyes an' pouty lips ain't gonna work on me, angel," Rogue said, tapping out a text on his phone, before reaching over to lightly poke his nose. "You're still _Loki_, even if you're a li'l one."

Loki made a face at her, before leaning over her shoulder to read what she'd written.

"I AM NOT A NUTCASE! I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!" Loki protested, loudly and indignantly.

The phone beeped as a new message showed up.

**SONOFSATAN:** Heh.

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>END.<em>**

* * *

><p><strong>I'VEBEENLOKI'DYETAGAIN:<strong> _Well, that was fun to write ;D_

_I'm really trying to write these team-ups so that they can be enjoyed by anybody and everybody... so if you are familiar with these characters in the comics, please let me know if I've portrayed them correctly and/or done them justice! And if you aren't familiar with the comics and/or these characters, please let me know if I was able to write this so it was enjoyable even if you don't know anything about them! I would be exceedingly grateful :3**  
><strong>_


	3. Sabretooth plus Cyclops

_**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS VIOLENCE (although nothing very graphic) AND A SOCIOPATHIC MURDERER, AND IF THAT SORT OF THING BOTHERS YOU, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS ONE. **_

_Q: Hey, what's with that warning up there?!  
><em>

**A: Oh, THAT. That's because this team-up includes the mutant SABRETOOTH, who is, frankly, NOT A NICE DUDE. Although, in this instance, he's not COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY EVIL, being based more on the Sabretooth from "X-Men Forever," who actually does end up joining the X-Men. But basically, Sabretooth is a HUGE MUSCULAR GUY with CLAW, FANGS, and a HEALING FACTOR! The perfect KILLING MACHINE!  
><strong>

_Q: Um... right... so, if Sabretooth is the X-Man in this chapter, who's the Avenger?  
><em>

**A: No no no, you've got it WRONG! Sabretooth is the AVENGER! Believe it or not, he was part of Nick Fury's ORIGINAL TEAM OF AVENGERS in 1959! TOTAL LEGIT COMIC CANON! (And as they say: ONCE an Avenger, ALWAYS an Avenger!)  
><strong>

_Q: What?! You know what, nevermind. Alright then, if Sabretooth is the Avenger in this chapter, who's the X-Man?  
><em>

**A: Why, Sabretooth is teaming up with the one and only CYCLOPS, the LEADER OF THE X-MEN! Cyclops is a mutant who SHOOTS CONCUSSIVE RED OPTIC BLASTS out of his EYES, but can't control his power due to a CONCUSSION he got back when he was just a KID! ****(And if any of you read the comics, this takes place before any of that crazy Dark Phoenix stuff, so don't worry about that.) **

_Q: Cyclops, huh? Well, I guess he could probably keep Sabretooth in line... is there anything else I need to know before diving into this chapter? _

**A: THERE IS, actually! Just to clear any confusion, this is AU, and as far as these two characters are concerned, is kind of a combination between various Marvel universes, as well as the X-MEN MOVIES, as to make things simple in this, SABRETOOTH is WOLVERINE'S BROTHER!  
><strong>

_Q: That's supposed to make things simple?!  
><em>

**A: YEAH, actually! Because their relationship in the comics is SUPER CONFUSING! So just TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THINGS TOO HARD, OKAY? **

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Sabretooth + Cyclops<strong>_

* * *

><p>Victor Creed, better known as Sabretooth, was in the midst of mutilating a platoon of Weapon Plus agents.<p>

They had been hunting him for a few days now—and Sabretooth was a predator. He did not take well to being hunted. At all.

So before they could attack him, _he_ attacked _them, _and all hell broke loose as Sabretooth tore them to pieces.

He was six-foot six-inches of muscle, dressed in a tawny bodysuit with white fur around his neck and shoulders, his hair a long mane of blond, thick bushy eyebrows above amber eyes, three-inch bone claws on the tip of each finger and toe, and sporting large feline-like teeth with particularly pronounced canines that had given him his codename, and which glinted in the light when he snarled that malicious grin.

He was vicious. He was brutal. He was merciless.

They didn't stand any chance against him.

Until one of them brought out a newfangled lightning ray, firing it at the killer mutant.

"_AAARRHHHG!"_ Sabretooth roared in primal fury and agony as he was zapped in the face with 500 megajoules of energy, causing him to fall to his knees and press the heels of his hands against his steaming eyesockets.

Taking his hands away from his scorched face, he tried to open his eyes—but he couldn't. There was nothing for him to open. His eyes were gone.

Even for him, as accustomed to pain as he was—to the point where he'd even learned to almost perversely love the anticipation of healing from wounds that would kill any normal man—having his eyes burned out of their sockets by a bolt of artificial lightning was enough to make him feel faint and lightheaded.

The agents took advantage of his moment of weakness to riddle him with bullets, causing him to pass out as his healing factor overloaded.

* * *

><p>Scott Summers, better known as Cyclops, was taken completely by surprise.<p>

It was early in the morning and he'd been out for a ride on Logan's motorcycle.

Well, actually, even earlier that morning, Scott had been fighting in the Danger Room, all decked out in his X-Men outfit, six-foot three-inch leanly muscled frame closely hugged by his mostly black bodysuit with a yellow X-Men belt around his waist, brown hair concealed beneath the suit's hood, and the optic beams that constantly emanate involuntarily from his eyes controlled by the ruby-quartz visor he was wearing, the single lens of which ran in a red line across his face from eye to eye, giving him a one-eyed appearance that had resulted in his codename.

He was battling huge purple robots that were programed to exterminate mutants, since it was Wednesday: Wednesday was Sentinel Day.

Logan, better known as the Wolverine, had strolled into the Danger Room and proceeded to help Cyclops defeat the hard-light holographic Sentinels he'd been fighting, Logan slicing and dicing them with his adamantium claws while Scott called out orders and zapped the robots with his concussive optic blasts. With the training program ended, Logan had tossed the key to his motorcycle at Scott, telling him that he had better get out of the mansion and take a break for a few hours, as obsessively Danger-Rooming could not possibly be healthy, and that he could take the bike but he had better not damage it.

So, somewhat reluctantly, Cyclops had taken the motorcycle out for a ride, throwing a leather jacket over his battle outfit and switching his ruby-quartz visor out for a pair of ruby-quartz glasses.

So: it was early in the morning and he'd been out for a ride on Logan's motorcycle.

The day was slightly overcast, but not too chilly, and as Scott drove a few miles per hour faster than the speed limit down winding roads lined by trees, he felt some of the ever-constant tension leave his body, letting some of the stress from being the Leader of the X-Men leak away as the wind buffeted his face and the bike roared in his ears.

But unfortunately, the tranquility didn't last long.

Scott didn't even have time to yell, or even register what was happening, before he was tumbling to the street and everything went black; he was taken completely by surprise.

* * *

><p>Sabretooth woke up strapped to a metal table. Sabretooth woke up in complete and absolute darkness.<p>

He couldn't feel his eyes, but he could feel the cold metal against his back, the tight manacles around his wrists and ankles. Growling, he pulled against the restraints, but they didn't budge.

He listened to the way his growling echoed around the large, metal room, listened to the buzzing of artificial lights that let him know it wasn't actually dark, listened to the breathing of another lifeform.

He sniffed the air.

"Well well," he said, "If it isn't Scott Summers."

But Cyclops was still unconscious, Sabretooth could sense.

So he roared.

"Wha?!" Scott exclaimed, as he woke up to the sound of a feral roar, and found himself strapped to a metal table in complete and absolute darkness. On reflex he tried to open his eyes, only to find that he _couldn't_.

There was something strapped onto his face, pressing against his eyes, keeping him from drawing his lids open.

"Good. Yer awake now."

"Sabretooth?!" Cyclops asked.

"The one an' only," Sabretooth drawled, in his deep, growling voice. "An' strapped ta'a metal table, same 's yerself."

"Where are we?!" Cyclops demanded, tugging at his unbudging restraints in frustration. "Why are we here?!"

"This's a Weapon Plus facility," Sabertooth answered. "The same corporation that gave Wolverine his adamantium skeleton, and that gave me a power upgrade o' two an' messed with my head. I can't expect they've any pleasant plans fer us."

"Our surroundings?"

"Rectangular room, about 300 feet by 200 feet. Metal. Full o' machines an' such, some robots standin' guard outside the door on th' other side, it sounds like."

"Any people? Scientists?"

Sabretooth snorted. "Dont'cha think if there were the woulda said somethin' by now? Nah, residual scents suggest no humans've been in here since they locked us only hearts beatin' in here are mine an' yers."

"You have a heart?" Cyclops asked skeptically.

"Ooh, _nasty,"_ Sabretooth said, grin evident in his voice.

"We need to get out of here."

"You gotta plan, boy?"

"There's something keeping me from opening my eyes, so I can't blast our way out. That leaves it up to you. Is there any way you can break free?"

"Kid, there ain't nobody that can keep _me _locked up no more. But what's ta keep me from jus' leavin' _you_ here once I free m'self?"

"Because you may be able to kill anything that gets in your way, but you're going to need my optic blasts to get out of the thick-walled metal fortress this place probably is. Your claws may be tougher than normal bone, but they aren't adamantium."

"Fair 'nough."

There was the sound of bones cracking as Sabretooth broke the bones of one of his hands to pull it through the manacle.

Cyclops heard more cracking sounds, smelled the hot, copper scent of blood. He grimaced, glad he couldn't see what Sabretooth was doing to himself to get out of the metal restraints.

Sabretooth could hear the way the noise made Cyclops wince and grit his teeth, could smell the trace of fear. It made him grin.

"Jus' give me a moment fer my body t' heal itself," he said. "And if ya blast me with those eyes o' yers, then I'm gonna leave ya here ta be turned inta th' next livin' weapon, ya hear?"

"Don't betray me and I won't blast you," Cyclops replied coolly.

A minute later, whatever had been strapped to Cyclops's face was torn off, and the restraints were ripped from his wrists and ankles.

"Thanks," Cyclops said, swinging his legs over the edge of the table and standing up, turning his head as if he was looking around, even though he was keeping his eyes pressed tightly closed and couldn't see anything. "Do you see my ruby-quartz lenses anywhere?"

"Nope," Sabretooth answered, turning his sightless gaze around the room as he sniffed the air. "Guess yer gonna hafta do without 'em, Scotty boy."

Cyclops stiffened, clenching his jaw. "I can't keep my eyes open. I'll destroy everything."

"An' what's so wrong wi'that?" Sabretooth asked, prowling around the room, his loss of sight not seeming to inhibit him any, as he picked up random objects such as doctors' scalpels, sniffing them, before setting them down again. "We're bustin' outta here anyway ain't we? An' I'm gonna be killin' ev'rybody in this damn place."

"You don't understand," Cyclops said, and though to anyone with duller senses—which was pretty much everyone, except for Wolverine—it wouldn't have been evident, Sabretooth could easily sense the fear and desperation in the mostly calm and collected X-Man. "I don't _have any control_ over my optic blasts."

"Don' lose yer head, ya control freak. I c'n find the way outta here jus' fine. Ya trust me?"

"Not even a bit," Cyclops replied immediately.

"Well then, kid," Sabretooth said with a chuckle—a dark and growling sound. "This oughtta be _fun." _

Cyclops grit his teeth so hard Sabertooth could hear the grinding. "If we're going to do this, we're going to do this _my _way, got it?" Cyclops said rigidly. "Which means we are _not _going to tear through this base and kill everybody. We are going to get straight out, and then I will alert the X-Men about this place and we will decide the proper action, and _you _will stay out of it."

Sabretooth growled deep in his throat. After a moment, he said, "My brother Logan respects ya, an' fer that reason I'll play it yer way, this once. But if anyone gets in our way on th' way outta here, I _ain't_ gonna be holdin' back."

"Fine," Cyclops said. "Now point me at the door."

* * *

><p>Sight was completely overrated, Sabretooth thought, as he took down the armored guards in the hallway with ease. His eyesockets may have been empty, but his every move was precise, calculated, deadly.<p>

"Cyclops, forty-five degrees 't yer left, full blast," Sabretooth called, even as he pounced on an armored agent, grabbing the helmet and twisting it viciously, a neck snapping and the body going still.

Cyclops turned forty-five degrees to his left and opened his eyes, the ruby red force slamming an oncoming patrol of guards. "I'm not killing anybody," he said.

"Careful, boy, 'cause they're not gonna hesitate 't kill _you," _Sabretooth said, slicing an agent's jugular through a weak spot in the armor. "'T them yer nothin' but a test subject. Yer not a person. Ninety degrees 't yer left an' seventy degrees 't yer right."

Cyclops shot a beam in each direction in quick succession, though he kept his eyes half-lidded, saying, "Which is why we have to act like people. We're not animals, and we need to show them that."

"Kid, I _am _an animal," Sabretooth said, voice accompanied by the sound of breaking bones and a strangled scream. "An' I ain't never gonna deny that. Behind you, full one-eighty degrees."

"You're sadistic," Cyclops said in repulsion. But he whirled around and fired.

"C'mon, boy." Cyclops was roughly grabbed by the arm and dragged forcefully down a hallway. "This way's clear."

Sabretooth 'guided' the disoriented Cyclops down the hallway, turning abruptly down different passages, causing the X-Man to stumble several times.

Dozens of footsteps chased them, bullets whizzing past Cyclops's ears, Sabretooth forcefully jerking and pushing him around.

"Would you _quit _that?!" he demanded as he nearly fell down again.

He heard a few bullets pierce flesh, heard the feral mutant growl at the injuries. "Only if ya wanna get shot," Sabretooth said. "An' _you_ won't heal. _I _will."

Cyclops was jerked to a stop.

"Open yer eyes, kid. I smell fresh air. Blast our way outta this place," Sabretooth growled, turning around and roaring as he engaged the armored agents that had been chasing them. This seemed to involve lots of slamming armored bodies into the walls, by the sound of it, as well as probably the floor, ceiling, and other armored bodies.

Cyclops clenched his jaw, but he opened his eyes, blasting the wall in front of him. Only, the wall turned out to be reflective, and the beam ricocheted off, slamming back into Cyclops—who, fortunately, was completely unaffected by his own power.

Closing his eyes again, Cyclops turned slightly to the right, mentally calculating angles. From what he'd seen in his brief glimpse with his eyes open, there had been a vent in the wall, which would be weaker and wouldn't reflect back.

He tilted his head. Opened his eyes as wide as he could, optic blasts on full-bore.

* * *

><p>"Sabretooth, I'm through. Give me a boost."<p>

The boost the feral mutant gave him had him practically flying through the hole he'd blasted through the top of the wall—and then of course crashing to the ground.

There was dirt between his fingers and in his mouth. It tasted awful. Like dirt.

A crunch of leaves as Sabretooth leapt beside him. "Do ya got a' escape plan? They're gonna be comin' after us, an' they ain't gonna give up easy."

"We need to find a vehicle," Cyclops said, getting to his feet. "_Any _vehicle, as long as it's fast. You drive, I'll keep them off our tails."

"Right." Sabretooth grabbed his arm. "This way. I smell jet fuel. An' my eyes're finally beginnin' t' grow back. I should be able ta make out blurry shapes a' light an' dark in'a minute."

"Wait, _what?!"_

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>END. <em>**

* * *

><p><strong>I'vebeenLOKI'Dyetagain: <strong>_E__ver since reading the "X-Men Forever" comics, I've been wanting to write blind!Sabretooth... XD And then when my awesome sister (who is the one who put all these pairings together, since this story is a present for her) paired him up with Cyclops, I was like, 'YES! PERFECT! I CAN MAKE SCOTT NOT BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING, TOO!' _

_Heh, I am _loving_ writing these team-ups... and accents are _so_ much fun to write... X3_

_I also love receiving reviews... ;3 (SHAMELESS HINTING IS SHAMELESS)  
><em>


	4. Hawkeye plus Angel

_Q: So, does this chapter get one of those warning things?_

**A: You know, I was JUST thinking about that, and I realized that this ENTIRE STORY deserves a warning, being:**

_**WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS **_**MARVEL**_** CHARACTERS, AND MOST OF THEM ARE PRETTY MESSED UP. IF THIS BOTHERS YOU... well, then I honestly don't know what to say, because the world we live in is pretty messed up too.**_

_Q: What kind of a warning is _that?! _Actually, you know what, don't even answer that question, there's no talking to you when you're in a cynical mood. Why don't you just tell me who's teaming up in this chapter?_

**A: It would be MY PLEASURE. In this chapter, we have the Avenger HAWKEYE (the Hawkguy Hawkeye, aka Clint Futzin' Barton), the GREATEST ARCHER IN THE WORLD (well, along with Hawkeye aka Kate Bishop, of course), teaming up with the X-Man ANGEL (the Angel Angel, aka Angel, who is no longer Warren Worthington III because of complicated stuff that involves Warren getting killed and being infected by a celestial Life Seed that regrew Angel and gave him an entirely new personality), a mutant who has WINGS and can FLY! **

_Q: Bird boy team-up then, huh? So where does this take place in MARVEL continuity?  
><em>

**A: Well, it's AU of course (as are all of these) but it's purely Earth-616 canon, and it takes place somewhere aduring Matt Fraction's "Hawkeye" run, and so DEFINITELY after the "Avengers VS. X-Men" comics, of which Hawkeye and Angel actually FOUGHT EACH OTHER, and that fight is referenced in this chapter.  
><strong>

_Q: Wait, so do I need to have read those comics to understand this?!_

**A: NOT AT ALL! Seriously, you'll be OKAY. I PROMISE! Now just STOP ASKING QUESTIONS and GET READING ALREADY!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hawkeye + Angel<strong>_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Prologue, Pt. I... <strong>_

* * *

><p>Somebody knocked on Clint Barton's apartment door.<p>

"Mmph," he muttered, rolling over in bed to glance blearily at the analog clock that was hanging on the lavender wall. "Five in the morning?"

Whoever it was knocked again.

"Why the hell's anyone knocking on my futzin' door at five o' clock in the futzin' mornin'?"

The knock came again. And then again. And again and again and again.

"Alright! I'm coming!" Clint shouted, throwing off the covers and getting out of bed wearing just his boxer shorts. "Just gimme a moment!"

The knocking didn't stop.

"Dammit," Clint grumbled, quickly grabbing a pair of jeans and stepping into them, fumbling with the zipper and button as he made his way over to the door.

Getting the incessant knocking to _stop_ took priority over putting on a shirt.

Clint jerkily pulled open the door. _"What?!" _he barked, only to get knocked in the face.

"Hey!" he protested, as he stumbled back a step, reaching a hand up to rub his nose. "What the hell was that—" Clint glanced at the person standing in the doorway to see a muscular guy dressed in red and black spandex, with a red mask that had large black ovals around the guy's eyes.

**"_Finally!" _**the guy said, throwing up his hands in exasperation. **"What took you so long, Hawkguy?! You owe me chimichangas!"**

"Hey, Deadpool." Clint ran a hand through his short, choppy blond hair. "I'm taking it that means you found that fake Hawkeye's location?"

**"You betcha! And you're not going to _believe_ who it is!"**

"C'mon in," Clint said, opening the door wide and letting Deadpool inside, not even blinking at the pair of katanas strapped to the man's back. He closed the door. "Alright. Who is it?"

Deadpool held a red finger to where his lips would be, if they weren't completely concealed by his mask. **"I no telly you until you order chimichangas—what? I don't _care _if 'telly' is British slang for television! I'm not Canadian!"**

Ignoring the crazy guy talking to himself, Clint went over to his corded phone, talking into it for a minute, before coming back over to the couch where his guest had sat down.

"Alright, the chimichangas should be here in half'n hour or so. Now spit out the name and location of the bastard who's been _dressing up as me _and _killing people." _

Deadpool leaned forward, whispering, **"It's... dun dun _dun_, dramatic pause... _Bullseye."_**

Clint's blue eyes blew wide. "Futz!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Prologue, Pt. II...<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>'Angel.'<em>

"Ms. Grey," Angel greeted the telepath who had just spoken in his head. "Have you detected a new mutant for me to find?"

_'Daniel Martin. Delta, Colorado.'_

"Wonderful," Angel said, launching into the sky, huge techno-organic wings unfolding, sunlight splintering against each sharp metal feather. "You can give me details on the way."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Whatever you call the main story that comes after the prologue... <strong>_

* * *

><p>Angel was flying over the snowcapped mountains of Colorado.<p>

His long blond hair flowed out behind him, flickering like flames in the wind, and he held his arms straight back by his sides. He was wearing his blue-black and white Angel bodysuit that fit closely to his muscular body, and there was the image of a golden halo on his chest.

It was his job, whenever the telepath Ms. Grey detected a new mutant with cerebra, to track the mutant down and bring them to the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning, a place where young mutants could be with their own kind and learn everything they need to know to survive in a world that hates and fears them. Budding super-powers were often uncontrollable and unpredictable and tended to result in fracas, endangering both the new mutant as well as nearby humans, so Angel liked to get there as soon as possible.

So focused was he on reaching his goal, Angel didn't notice the arrow until it whizzed by his face, causing him to startle and nearly nicking him in the nose.

"What—?" Angel said, looking down with eagle-keen blue eyes to see who had fired at him.

There was a man dressed in a suit of purple and black and holding a bow, a quiver of arrows on his back, standing on what seemed to be a landing strip set into the side of the mountain.

"Oh," Angel said, hovering there, "It's that _purple man_ again. But why is Hawkeye firing arrows at me now? I thought the conflict between Avengers and X-Men had come to its resolution."

There was a flicker of movement in Angel's vision, and he managed to dodge as the arrow that had flown by him came back around towards from where it had been shot.

The arrow struck the back of the man in purple, causing him to fall forward, only to reveal that there was another man in a similar purple and black outfit behind him. It seemed the two were fighting.

"Ha!" claimed the second Hawkeye, "Boomerang arrow! Take that, ya fraud!"

"Wait," Angel said, blond eyebrows coming together slightly, blue eyes narrowing, "There are two Hawkeyes...? And why are they fighting each other?" Curving his metal wings back and pressing them to his sides, he dove down towards the melee below. "I shall see if I can diffuse this fight."

The first Hawkeye had gotten up, and was now proceeding to throw an arrow at the second Hawkeye, who had apparently kicked away the first Hawkeye's bow.

And then Angel was between them, and both Hawkeyes were smacked back by freaking-huge metal wings.

"Calm yourselves," Angel commanded. "Why for do you quarrel so?"

The first Hawkeye was wearing an outfit that looked like an older Hawkeye uniform, being made up of a full black bodysuit with purple scales around the neck and shoulders, purple boots, purple gloves and arm guards, and a masked helmet with pointed purple 'wings' along the sides and a large purple 'H' branded on the front.

The second Hawkeye, who Angel now saw was the actual Clint Barton, was wearing purple sunglasses, and the new uniform, which included black boots, black pants, a black vest with a the image of a large purple arrowhead on his chest, black gloves and arm guards, and three arrows knocked on his bow and aimed at the other Hawkeye, his arm drawn back.

"'Cause this _phony _here is the psycopathic murderer known as _Bullseye,_ who is _dressing up as me_ and _killing people," _Clint growled through gritted teeth. "And he also _is supposed to be dead. _Or at least, severely crippled or maimed or something."

"Well well," the Bullseye-Hawkeye grinned, "Looks like now there's two people for me to kill now. And if 'killing an Angel' wasn't on my bucket list before, it's just been added. I can't wait to hear you _scream."_

And with that, Bullseye drew two arrows from his quiver, one in each hand, and _threw _them at Angel, who shielded himself with his metal wings.

"I was going to suggest we solve this problem through discourse," Angel said, lifting up into the air with a few mighty wingbeats, "But if that's the way you want to play it..."

"NO!" Clint shouted, as Angel readied his wings, metallic feathers lifting, "Don't shoot your razor-sharp metal feathers! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GIVE HIM MORE WEAPONS!"

Angel paused, and in the moment he took to give Barton a quizzical look, Bullseye threw several arrows in quick succession.

Twisting his body in the air, Angel just barely managed to avoid getting impaled. An arrow grazed a red line across his cheek.

Hawkeye—the real Hawkeye—still possessing his bow, let loose with his own arrows, firing at Bullseye.

One of Clint's arrows pierced Bullseye in the right shoulder, one wrapped a bola around his legs, and another opened up in a net, wrapping around him. Bullseye fell to the ground.

"Trick arrows, man! Respect the trick arrows!" Clint whooped, before going somber again. "But y'know, what I don't get, Bullseye," he said, as he walked over with another arrow knocked and ready to fire, towards where Bullseye was tangled up, "aside from you suddenly bein' alive'n all again, is why you're picking beef with _me _instead of workin' out your personal vendetta against Daredevil."

"Bro!" Bullseye laughed, "What d'ya think, bro? Bro, I'm a killer for hire, bro!"

Clint tensed. "Dammit," he muttered. "Them. It's _always _them, lately."

"Barton, watch out!" Angel called from above—too late.

When Clint had neared, Bullseye had used a blade to cut through the bola and net and launch himself at the archer, the two of them tumbling down to lightly snow-covered asphalt of the landing pad.

"Barton!" Angel dove down to help, only to crash into something unseen and slide to the ground. "What...?" he said, as he rubbed his head, looking at the space of landing pad in front of him. If he squinted, he could just barely make out the vague shape of a plane in stealth mode.

There was a yell of agony that sounded like Clint, and Angel was back up in the air, keeping clear of the plane as he flew over to where Hawkeye and Bullseye were locked in hand-to-hand combat, getting closer and closer to the edge of the landing pad and the sheer drop down the mountainside.

The snow around their feet was stained red.

With a heave and a yell, Bullseye grabbed Hawkeye and threw him over the edge.

"Barton, hang on!" Angel called, raising his hands and firing gold energy blasts at Bullseye and knocking the murderer back, before swooping down to grab Clint out of the air, wrapping his arms around the archer's waist. "I've got you, Hawkeye."

"Thanks for the save, Bird Boy." Clint reached back and pulled an explosive-tip arrow from his quiver, knocking it in his bow and drawing the string back as Angel lifted him up above the landing pad where Bullseye was just getting up off the ground.

Clint murmured, "Take this, sucker," and fired the arrow at the ground beneath Bullseye's feet. "Boom."

* * *

><p>In the hands of Hawkeye and Bullseye, anything was a weapon. Including snow.<p>

Bullseye shoved a handful down the back of Clint's vest.

Hawkeye threw a handful in Bullseye's face, and kicked him where it counted.

Bullseye fell and rolled, getting back up to stab an arrow through Hawkeye's gut so that the arrowhead poked out the other side, then rip the arrow back out.

Clint gave a yell of pain.

"You're going down," Bullseye hissed with a grin, adding, "Bro," because he enjoyed how it made Clint grind his teeth. "And you know I never miss."

And with that, Bullseye threw Hawkeye over the edge of the cliff, sending him freefalling through the air.

Suddenly Bullseye was slammed with a blast of energy. "I'm going to _kill _that # $*&! mutant," he growled, getting back to his feet and grabbing up an arrow that had fallen out of his quiver to the ground.

Just as he turned around to throw it at the guy with the wings, the world around Bullseye exploded.

* * *

><p>Angel set Clint down gently on the landing pad, the two of standing there and looking down at Bullseye, who was scrambling to hold onto the crumbling edge, his legs scrambling for purchase on the sheer rock face. The masked Hawkeye helmet had been blown off by the explosion, exposing Bullseye's bald head and showing the crosshair mark in the center of his forehead.<p>

"You gonna help me or not?!" Bullseye snapped as his grip slipped further.

"Nope," Clint said apathetically. "Sorry."

"I thought Avengers don't kill," Angel remarked as they watched the ground crumble and collapse, Bullseye falling away towards the bottom of the deep valley below.

"I didn't kill 'im," Clint pointed out. "I simply... didn't save 'im."

"I looked into that man's soul. Believe me, there was nothing there to save." Angel's expression was serious.

"Oh?" Clint asked, turning to the X-Man and raising his blond eyebrows, somewhere between skeptical and curious. "And what d'you see in _my_ soul?"

Angel regarded him for a long moment, with those clear, sky-blue eyes. Clint squirmed, getting the uncanny feeling that the mutant actually _was_ looking straight through him and seeing everything within. That Angel was seeing ever hope and every desire and every fear and every scar...

"You are not a bad man, Barton," Angel said finally. Clint narrowed his eyes and searched the man's face, but Angel was being completely sincere. He reached out and put a hand on Clint's shoulder. "Don't sell yourself short."

Clint blinked, his eyes feeling dry and stinging, as if he hadn't blinked the entire time Angel had been staring at him; he probably hadn't.

All he could manage in response was: "Um."

Angel's gaze moved to Clint's abdomen, which the archer had his arms wrapped tight around, blood seeping through the fabric.

"You are badly wounded," Angel stated. "Sit down. I can help you."

"Look, I know it _looks _bad," Clint said, "but it's really not—"

"Sit down," Angel ordered again, his tone indicating that there was no room for argument.

Sighing in exasperation, Clint reluctantly sat (practically fell) down, sigh turning to a sharp gasp of pain.

"Take off your vest," Angel said.

"Man, c'_mon," _Clint huffed, only to wince at the fresh stab of pain. "Aow! Ugh. But seriously, for one thing, it's futzin' cold way up here, and secondly, you don't even got any medical supplies."

"I don't need any medical supplies," Angel said, as he knelt down next to the archer, folding his huge metal wings along his back. "My blood has healing properties. Now take off your vest. You are loosing large amounts of blood, and if you don't allow me to heal you, then you will soon lose consciousness."

"_Man," _Clint groaned, "you're kiddin' me. You got wings _and _a healin' factor? How's that even _fair?"_ But despite his complaining, Clint peeled off his vest, swearing under his breath. When he looked down at the wound in his chest, his eyes widened slightly. "Okay, this looks _bad," _he admitted.

There was a glint of silver metal as Angel cut the palms of his hands on his feathers, then he reached out and pressed his bleeding palms against Clint's wounds, one hand on his abs and one on his back.

"Um, you're sure this works?" Clint asked, his teeth beginning to chatter from the cold, complexion pallid from blood loss.

"If you have a matching blood type to mine."

"_What?!" _Clint exclaimed. "And what if I don't?! What if—oh," he said, breaking off as he felt his insides shifting, feeling things start to knit themselves back together. "Ow ow _ow_," Clint gasped, clenching his eyes tightly shut and gritting his teeth. "I think the healing hurts worse'n gettin' impaled did."

"I know," Angel said. "But you'll survive. Trust me."

"You—oh," Clint started, then broke himself off again as he realized: "This's the same place that I shot you when we fought during the whole Avengers versus X-Men thing*, wasn't it?"

"Approximately," Angel agreed.

"So... do we gotta fight now?" Clint asked, giving another wince as something else stitched together.

Angel looked at him in genuine confusion. "Why would we have to fight?"

"'Cause, you know..." Clint said uncomfortably, "I kind've sucker-shot you..."

"That conflict has been resolved, and you have been forgiven," Angel told him, removing his hands from Clint, to reveal completely healed flesh where there had been gaping wounds. "If we focus on our actions in the past and insist on keeping grudges, then we will only hinder ourselves in the future. We must move on and continue to grow into better people."

"Right," Clint said, looking down at his abdomen and hesitantly touching the newly healed skin. "Tell that t'... like, everybody else in this crazy world."

"Everybody fights too much," Angel said, getting to his feet and offering a hand, pulling Clint up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I really must be going. There is a new mutant in need of guidance. Do you have a method of extraction?"

"Um, yeah," Clint said, making a vague gesture at where the invisible plane was parked. "My 'method of extraction' is over there, in stealth mo—"

"Ah yes, I crashed into it earlier." Angel patted Clint's shoulder, lips pulling upwards in an angelic smile as he said, "A pleasure fighting alongside you today, Avenger. I do hope that when next we meet it is once again as teammates rather than as enemies."

"Yeah," Clint agreed. "That'd be cool, man."

* * *

><p><strong><span><em>END.<em>**

* * *

><p><strong><em>*Avengers VS. X-Men: Versus #5<em>**

* * *

><p><strong>I'vebeenLOKI'Dyetagain: <strong>_Daniel Martin is an OC, and he's not important. I just needed a name. Also, I have never been to Colorado, much less Delta Colorado, I only chose that city because I looked on a map of Colorado and it was on the Western side of the Rocky Mountains, so Angel would have to fly through them to get there from Westchester New York. And Thunderbolt Mountain in the MARVEL universe is supposed to be located in Colorado, so I just kind of assumed it was in the Rockies, and Bullseye used to be a member of the Thunderbolts, so that's why I stuck him there, because I needed him to be working out of a base _somewhere.

_Bullseye is mainly one of Daredevil's villains, but during the time Norman Osborn was in control of everything on Earth-616, and he had his group of Dark Avengers, Bullseye took up the Hawkeye mantle, which Clint (who was during that time going by the codename Ronin) was pretty pissed about. I don't know if they ever actually fought each other - if they did, I haven't read it. _

_Also, sometime after the events of Siege, Bullseye was apparently killed by Daredevil, but then he was actually still alive and came back, but he was like crippled and scarred and blind or something, I have no idea I haven't actually read this in the comics this is just what I gathered from his Wikipedia entry. But I used him as a villain in this chapter, because what the hell it's the MARVEL universe - NOBODY STAYS FREAKIN' DEAD. _

_There are also like a bazillion alternate universes, so really I can do whatever I want XP _

_Also, because I forgot to put this at the beginning of this story: **DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS. All characters featured in this fanfic and the distinctive names and likeness thereof, and all related indicia are trademarks of Marvel Characters, Inc. No similarities between any of the characters, names, persons, and/or institutions in this fanfic with those of any living or dead person or institution is intended, and any such similarity which may exist is purely coincidental. **I also just basically stole that disclaimer from a MARVEL comic, changing only a few words. So I don't own the disclaimer, either. _

_Anyways, that was my reasoning behind stuff, don't worry if it doesn't make any sense XD I just hope that this chapter was enjoyable, despite everything! _


	5. Nick Fury plus Deadpool

**_WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS BLOOD, VIOLENCE AND DEADPOOL. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!_**

_Q: Yo, 'sup wit' dat warnin' up dere? _

**A: I think that WARNING is pretty SELF-EXPLANATORY. This chapter is a team-up between SHIELD director NICK FURY and the mercenary DEADPOOL!  
><strong>

_Q: Alrigh', one atta time, pleez. Firs' tell me 'bout dis Nick Fury.  
><em>

**A: NICK FURY is a WORLD WAR II VETERAN**** and present day SUPER-SPY. His ageing was significantly slowed by the INFINITY FORMULA, allowing him to still be an ACTIVE, ATHLETIC MIDDLE-AGED MAN despite being old enough to be your GREAT GRANDFATHER! Also, this isn't the SAMUEL L. JACKSON version of Fury, but rather the EARTH-616 COMIC version. Which basically means that he's a white guy, and that this is the REGULAR MARVEL UNIVERSE and NOT the ULTIMATE UNIVERSE which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.  
><strong>

_Q: An' dis Dead-pool?_

**A: DEADPOOL is the MARVEL universe's INSANE mercenary and ANTI-HERO. He's also known as ****WADE WILSON, the CRIMSON COMEDIAN, the REGENERATIN' DEGENERATE, the MERC WITH A MOUTH! He's CRAZIER than a SACK'A FERRETS! Oh, also, he has a habit of BREAKING the FOURTH WALL.  
><strong>

_Q: An' dis's still A+X?  
><em>

**A: Well... kind of? Technically Fury sometimes runs the AVENGERS, and though Deadpool is not an X-MAN, he was part of the UNCANNY X-FORCE, which is a basically a SECRETE SECTOR of the X-Men that KILL people who NEED KILLIIN'.  
><strong>

_Q: So dis Dead-pool kills people?  
><em>

**A: Both Nick Fury AND Deadpool are KILLERS. But if it makes you feel any better, they're only killin' ALIENS in this chapter.  
><strong>

_Q: Anythin' I need'a know continuity-wise?  
><em>

**A: YES actually! This chapter takes place at the same times as the PREVIOUS CHAPTER, and is actually the SECOND chapter in a group of CONNECTED CHAPTERS. (There will be THREE MORE connected chapters after this one.)  
><strong>

_Q: S'dat all? _

**A: NOPE! You still have to READ the CHAPTER!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>Nick Fury + Deadpool<em>**

* * *

><p><em>SKA-BOOOM! <em>The helicopter crashed into the Helicarrier.

_THUMP! _Deadpool crashed into the Helicarrier with a splatter of red. **"****Kamikaaaazeee****—****AGH!" **

_Thump. _Fury landed lightly on the landing pad of the Helicarrier, parachute collapsing on the ground behind him.

Deadpool was lying facefirst on the ground. **"****I think my nose is gone," **he mumbled into the tarmac.

"Okay, so here's the plan," Nick Fury said, beginning to lay out orders as Deadpool peeled himself up off the ground.

**"VOLDEMORT ISN'T THIS PRETTY!" **

"Excuse me?!" Fury demanded in consternation as he turned to glare at the red and black clad mercenary.

**"Nothin', I wouldn't expect you to get the popular culture reference," **Deadpool said, waving a hand dismissively. **"Now proceed with that telling me 'bout this plan of yours, to infiltrate the Helicarrier that is currently take over by aliens, that I haven't been paying attention to. Something about 'sixpence?' Or was it 'elephants?' We better not be entering through any air vents, 'cause that's totally Clint Barton's shtick."**

Fury clenched his teeth. "We're in the field now, Deadpool. I'm gonna need you keep your mind on the task at hand."

**"Psh, don't worry 'bout me, ol' pal! You should be worried about all these readers who have no idea what the hell's goin' on in this fic!"**

"Deadpool, I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about," Fury growled as he lifted his eyepatch for the retinal scan on some secret backdoor. "But I need you to—"

**"QUE FLASHBACK!" **Deadpool announced, throwing his hands wide. **"Insert smooth transition here!"**

* * *

><p><em><strong>An hour ago...<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>Knock knock. <em>

**"Who's there?" **

"That would be the delivery man from the taco place with your chimichangas, Deadpool," Clint answered, walking over to the door to answer it.

**"That-would-be-the-delivery-man-from-the-taco-place-with-your-chimichangas-Deadpool who?"**

"_Not_ a joke, Deadpool," came the annoyed reply.

**[I don't get it. Everything's a joke!]**

_[Maybe that was the joke?]_

**"Ha!"** Deadpool said. **"I get it! Suck on **_**that, **_**yellow and white text boxes that aren't yellow and white text boxes 'cause this is a fanfic and not a comic!" **

**[Yeah, what's up with that? The readers might get confused.]**

_[I'm the white text box.]_

**[Racist!]**

**"Yeah, this is the 21****st**** century! Racism is totally uncool, man! What's wrong with you?!" **

**[A lot, actually.]**

_[We're insane, remember?]_

**"Oh,"** Deadpool said, tilting his head, still wearing his red mask with large black ovals around his eyes, along with the rest of his red and black costume, which was mostly red, with black on his shoulders and sides to about mid-thigh. He was also wearing all his many weapons. **"Right. That. This couch is uncomfortable."**

**[Yeah, it's all hard and lumpy. Like we're sitting on guns and grenades or something.]**

_[That's because we _are _sitting on guns and grenades.]_

**"Like the princess and the RPG!"** Deadpool exclaimed.

_[Uh, no. We're sitting on _our _guns and grenades.]_

"The what?" Clint asked, raising his blond eyebrows, as came back holding a couple large paper bags in his arms.

**"You know, the fairytale where the princess lies down on that seven-story bed with the RPG under it?"** Deadpool said, sitting up and reaching over for the paper bags.

**[And it explodes!]**

_[I think it's a _pea, _actually, not an RPG.]_

**"Really? That's boring,"** Deadpool said, as Clint grabbed the paper bag away. **"****Hey, Hawkguy! Gimme my chimichangas!"**

"Not until you tell me where Bullseye is," Clint said severely. "Like you promised."

**"C'mon, chimichangas, dude! Don't make me pout," **Deadpool said.** "****Oh, now you've done it! See? I'm pouting."**

_[You're wearing a mask.]_

**[So?]**

_[Hawkguy can't see him pouting.]_

**[That's probably a good thing, 'cause he's not actually pouting.]**

Clint narrowed his eyes, glaring intensely. "Tell. Me."

**[You better tell 'im.]**

_[Before he shoots you. With an arrow.]_

**"Fine," **Deadpool said, standing up and making a beckoning sign for Hawkeye to come closer. Deadpool leaned over and whispered in his ear.

Clint dropped the paper bags, grabbed his bow, and was out the door in seconds, saying, "Don't you dare break anything!" before slamming said door behind him.

**[Nooooooo! The chimichangas!]**

**"So I grabbed the bags of chimichangas with my awesome reflexes before they could hit the ground, then lounged on Hawkguy's couch in his girly purple apartment, chowing on delicious chimichangas from my favorite taco place in Manhattan, and wondering why Hawkguy's TV didn't work. I was halfway done when I heard a suspiciously suspicious and loud pounding of footsteps up the stairs and down the hallway—" **

_[You don't need to narrate, you know. There's already a narrator.] _

**"Who's listening to Skrillex!" **Wade protested. **"No one is a musician!"**

The door burst open, and SHIELD agents poured in, pointing their guns at Deadpool. "Freeze! Hands in the air!" one of them shouted. "Don't move!"

"Where's Agent Barton?" another demanded.

**"What?" **Deadpool said, sitting up and glancing around the room behind him to see who the agents were threatening, before turning his gaze back to them. **"Are you talking to ****_me?" _**

"Of course we're talking to you! Who else would we be talking to?" the agent snapped.

**[They could be talking to us.]**

_[Why would they be talking to us?]_

**"Yeah," **Deadpool said, **"You could be talking to ****_them."_**

The agents sent quick, confused glances at each other. "To who?" one of them asked.

**[Shouldn't that be 'to whom'?]**

**"To ****_them," _**Deadpool pointed behind the agents.

**['Over there!' Oldest trick in the book!]**

_[They'll never expect it!]_

**[Exactly!]**

When the agents turned to look, Deadpoolthrew the rest of the chimichangas, the food exploding across the agents. **"Take that, suckahs!" **

**[NOOOO! THE CHIMICHANGAS!]**

Deadpool turned and jumped out the window in a spattering of glass, falling several stories through the air, legs running and arms pinwheeling.

**"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"**

_[ \o/ ]_

Deadpool grabbed onto a streetlamp, swinging himself back up into the air.

**[Now what? We lost the rest of the chimichangas, and we're now going up, only to go back down again.]**

_[Helicopter!]_

**"Damn straight," **Deadpool said, aiming to crash through the windshield.

Abruptly, the helicopter turned to the side, the door opening to let Deadpool tumble inside, straight into the opposite wall. **"Or... crooked...? Straighter."**

"Deadpool."

Peeling himself off the wall, Deadpool staggered back, shaking his head.

**[I see stars.]**

_[Oh look! It's Canis Major! The Great Dog!] _

**[Oh hey! It's got one eye! It looks so Sirius! And it's Furry!]**

**"Nick Furry!"** Deadpool greeted the man piloting the helicopter. **"Long time no see! Do you have another job for me? All the rhyming is total intentionally."**

"It's _Fury," _the man said as he sent a glare at Deadpool, who sat down in the co-pilot seat beside him. "And no, I don't have an assignment for you. I actually have an assignment for a certain Agent Barton." Nick Fury was dressed in his black SHIELD uniform, covered in various pocketful belts and straps and gun holsters, a black eyepatch over his left eye, his right eye brown and cold. His brown hair was graying at the temples.

**"Oh, so sorry," **Deadpool said, kicking his feet up on the dash, leaning back in the chair. **"You missed him. Aimed too far to the right now, he's already left."**

"Where is he?" Fury demanded.

**"Off chasing some evil doppelganger of his," **Deadpool said in an I-don't-know-and-I-don't-particularly-care manner. **"He probably won't be back for a while. I would've thought you would've known about that, being Nick Furry an' all."**

**[I think you mean 'doppelgänger.']**

**"That's what I said!" **Deadpool said, throwing up his hands in indignation.

"I heard you," Fury replied coolly. "And I know you know what my name is."

**"Soooooo, what was up with all those SHIELD agents that invaded the purple-lover's apartment, pointed guns at me an' splattered themselves with my chimichangas?" **

"Those agents are... compromised," Fury answered as he steered the helicopter up and away from Manhattan, keeping his one-eyed gaze ahead. "Several sectors of SHIELD have been compromised, including the Helicarrier. I came to get Agent Barton, but the compromised agents got there first—only as it turns out, he wasn't even there. You were. And now we're getting out of there."

**"What kind of compromise are you dealing with?" **Deadpool asked. **"Peanut butter or jelly? War or peace? Jacob or Edward? To be or not to be?"**

"Aliens."

**"Again?!" **Deadpool exclaimed, sitting up straight. **"Green ones?"**

"Yeah."

Deadpool facepalmed. _**"Again?!"**_

"Ain't Skrulls, though. Some kinda scaly creatures with telepathic powers."

**"Hell, what did you want Hawkguy for, then? He wouldn't be much help against a telepathic alien invasion," **Deadpool pointed out. **"What you really need's someone who's unpredictable and resistant to all stuff telepathic."**

**[Like us!]**

_[Yeah, like us!]_

**"But not ****_me, _****of course, because there's no way I'm gonna help you after you screwed me over that last time with the Skrulls when ****_you _****screwed up an' that 'secure' line you made me memorize the sequence to wasn't that ****_secure_**** after all*."**

_[What?! We're gonna bail on this gig just 'cause you're holding a grudge?]_

**[We were totally screwed over.]**

Nick grit his teeth. "This mission isn't gonna be anything like that. This is straightforward alien elimination."

**"Nuh-uh, no way Ho-zay."**

"You _will _be paid."

Deadpool's eyes (figuratively) lit up with dollar signs.

**"Wait a mo', I need to consult my brain," **Deadpool said, touching the pointer and middle fingers of each hand to his temples. **"Okay, head voices, speak your mind."**

**[Money is a good thing.]**

_[We don't need money—we're rich, remember?]_

**[Fury doesn't know that. 'Sides, we've probably spent most of it by now.]**

_[True, dat.]_

**[Think of it this way: we'll be paid to save the world, so essentially, we'll be paid to be a hero.]**

**[Like the Avengers!]**

_[Yeah, and protect all those people who hate our guts.]_

**[And our face.]**

_[Especially our face.]_

**"That's why we wear the mask."**

"Come again?" Fury said, raising his one solitary eyebrow.

_[At least he _has_ eyebrows.]_

"**Ouch."**

**[Ooh, burn!]**

Nick Fury looked intensely confused—well, for Nick Fury, anyway. Which pretty much meant he was damn well near expressionless. Except for that eyebrow making a break for his hairline.

**"Okay, so, let me get this straight," **Deadpool said, turning to the war veteran, **"Telepathic aliens infiltrated the Helicarrier and are controlling the SHIELD agents." **

"Yes."

**"But not you." **

"They're mind-control methods fail to work on me."

**"And you plan on goin' in there an' killing them all."**

"That is the fundamental idea of the plan, yes."

**"And you're willing to buy my help."**

"We've already been over this, Deadpool."

**"If I help you kill telepathic aliens, you'll pay me." **

A sigh. "Yes."

**"How much?"**

_[Make sure he pays you upfront this time!]_

* * *

><p><em><strong>The present moment...<strong>_

* * *

><p>Fury and Deadpool were walking down a dim hallway.<p>

"C'mon," Fury ordered, stopping at an air vent and gesturing that that was the route they were going to take to the heart of the ship.

**"Air vents? Really?" **Deadpool complained as he gave Fury a boost up. **"This is so cliché it's not even funny!" **

**[And the whole sneaky-sneaky thing is booooooring. What people like is action! Rushing in with guns a'blazing!]**

"Deadpool," Fury said, extending a hand. "Shut up."

**"If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me that..." **Deadpool said whimsically, grabbing Fury's hand and letting the man pull him up into the air vent.

_[We'd be rich!]_

**[Filthy rich! Like, richer than Tony Stark and Warren Worthington III! Combined!]**

_[Warren Worthington is dead, remember? We were there*.]_

**[Oh... right... we should visit Angel sometime. Maybe next time we visit Evan** he can introduce us. He said they were good friends.]**

**"Maybe when we're done with this mission." **Deadpool kicked the grate so that it fell back into place with a _click, _leaving the two in the small, cramped space.

"No, shut up _during _the mission. Now c'mon, this way."

Fury took the lead, Deadpool following after him like a sulky child.

Their crawling was quite nearly silent. Wade's mouth... wasn't. Much to Fury's fury.

**"Alright, Fury and I here are just crawlin' down this dark, cramped, boring air vent like wannabe Hawkeyes, and I'm sure you don't want to read me and Fury haggling over prices, so let's use this time for another flashback and skip to something more informative, that you'll need to know to understand just what the hell is goin' down!"**

"Who the hell are you talking to?!" Fury demanded, pausing to glance over his shoulder at Deadpool in the cramped space.

**"Not you, Nicky bird. No need to get your feathers ruffled. Now, fast-forward the flashback several minutes, please."**

* * *

><p><em><strong>The past, several minutes after the last flashback...<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>"Right," <strong>Deadpool said, resting his chin on his fist as he stared listlessly out the window.**"So, while we proceed with the boring flight to the helicarrier, why don't you remind me: what's everything you know about these green aliens that aren't Skrulls?" **

"I cross-referenced them with all known extraterrestrial beings within the SHIELD databases, but came up with nothing. However, upon contacting various other resources, I've been able to gather that these aliens are known as Zaallyxians. They can't read minds, but they have the ability to impose their will upon others via a chemical they exhale that enters the body and affects the brain to receive the particular wavelengths of the Zaallyxians, which then allows them to control other beings to a certain degree. They can't control those who haven't breathed in this chemical, but once someone's been exposed to it, the Zaallyxians can retain this control over longer distances, the exact span of which varies. They feed on electricity, the amount of which directly affects the strength of their telepathy and the distance it can extend to."

**"Yeah yeah yeah yawn, I get it," **Deadpool said impatiently, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling of the stealth helicopter, legs crossed and left foot tapping in the air. **"What about physical abilities? Fightin' skills? How easy are they to kill?"**

"They're humanoid, somewhat reptilian in appearance. Sources suggest their scales provide limited protection against injury, similar to that of medium-grade bullet-proof textiles. Weak spots at their joints. They wear anti-grav units on their belts. From what I've seen of them on Earth, they tend to program them at around moon-gravity level, which allows them to leap farther and higher, etc.. Slight degree of superhuman strength. Superhuman senses, which includes vision in the infra red spectrum."

**"Weaponry? Fighting style? Stabby? Shooty? Good ol' fisticuffs?" **

"They have guns that fire energy blasts. Pretty standard alien tech. Will engage in hand-to-hand combat. Scales on their knuckles are razor sharp. They're also equipped with razor sharp scales on their tails."

**[Oh hey that rhymed!]**

_[Wait, the aliens have tails? Sounds like they're just really intelligent dinosaurs that can mind-control people.]_

**"Well then!" **Deadpool declared with a what-have-you gesture, **"This should be easy peasy pineapple sleezy! There's a reason dinosaurs are extinct, after all. And now the readers are all caught up! BACK TO THE PRESENT!" **

_[Don't forget the wrapping paper! Unwrapping presents is the best the part about presents.]_

**[I think you're thinking about the wrong kind of present.]**

* * *

><p><em><strong>The present moment, once again... <strong>_

* * *

><p>Deadpool crawled over a grate, glancing down into the room below.<p>

**[Oh look! Aliens!]**

The scaly green, humanoid but kind of repitilian-looking aliens glanced up.

**"Thought Fury said they couldn't read minds," **Deadpool whispered.

_[Infra red vision, remember? We're probably like bright yellow or something.]_

**[I think we look better in red.]**

One of the aliens lifted a gun, shooting the air vent, causing Deadpool to tumble out like candy out of a piñata.

He landed on his feet. **"Hey! ** **What does the fox say?!** **" **Deadpool asked/sang, leveling his guns at the aliens. **"** **Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow!** **" **He opened fire. " **Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow!** **"**

* * *

><p>Still in the air vent, Fury groaned, but kept crawling towards the heart of the ship in order to shut down the mind-control broadcast.<p>

Reaching the control room without any further trouble, Fury dropped out of the air vent, quickly incapacitating the agents and aliens within the room and barring the doors.

Just as suspected, the aliens seemed to have been utilizing the SHIELD radio, computer, and satellite systems to maintain long-rage telepathy.

With deft fingers, Nick hijacked the programs within minutes, neutralizing them and resetting them to standard SHIELD programming. Now it was assured that the aliens couldn't call for backup, and the mind-controlled agents that had been deployed elsewhere would be coming back to themselves.

Fury was in the process of sending alerts to the rest of SHIELD when the doors were blown off their hinges and aliens poured in.

"Handssss in the air!"

The Director of SHIELD raised his hands placatingly.

* * *

><p>Riddled with bulletholes, the aliens fell to the floor in growing pools of celadon blood.<p>

Deadpool began rolling the dead bodies over and pilfering through their belts with the lots of pockets.**"A grotesque gruesome gnat gnawed a gregarious greenhorn, and the gregarious greenhorn gushed green guts."**

_[Ooh, nice tongue twister.]_

**[Mercenary-senses tingling! ALIEN ALERT!]**

The door burst open, aliens and SHIELD agents pouring in, guns at the ready.

**[Remember, no killing the SHIELD agents. They're being mind-controlled. It's not their fault if they shoot your head off.]**

_[But we can still maim them a little, right?]_

"Sssurrender. You are ssssurrounded," one of the aliens said, in a sibilant voice not unlike the basilisk from Harry Potter.

_[What's with all the Harry Potter references?]_

**"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" **Deadpool declared as he failed to put his hands up and instead aimed his guns at the speaker. **"And in case you don't know, that's a reference from—" **

"Why isssn't it ssssurrendering?" another alien asked, discombobulated.

"It sseemsss it cannot be controlled," the first alien hissed. "Kill it."

Guns fired from every direction.

**"AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!" **

Deadpool spasmed with pain and dropped to the ground, a pool of red spreading around him.

**[MoMmY? I tHiNk mY EnTiRe BoDy iS a BoO-bOo.]**

"Disssspossse of the body," an alien ordered.

A SHIELD agent grabbed Deadpool's feet and began dragging him away, leaving smears of his blood along the floor, the red mixing with the already spilled green and turning a revolting brown.

_[This is disgusting.]_

**[Yeah really. How long we gonna be playing possum?]**

**"Bit longer," **Deadpool muttered.

The agent paused, turning to look at the 'dead' body with a perturbed expression. The 'corpse' was limp. Unmoving. Silent.

**[Haha! Look at his expression! Mutter something else once he turns back around!]**

_[Good thing we're wearing the mask. He can't see that our eyes are open.]_

After a moment the agent turned and continued dragging Deadpool down the corridor. He turned a corner, then another.

The amount of blood being spread on the floor steadily decreased.

**[Hurts less, too. Good ol' healing factor.]**

_[We're gonna be thrown out with the trash again, aren't we?**]_

**"Nope." **Deadpool pulled his feet from the agent's grip, swinging his legs to knock the agent's legs out from beneath him, and as he hit the ground Deadpool leapt to his feet and grabbed a fistful of the man's brown hair with one hand, pulling his head back and placing a the blade of a sword against the man's throat with the other.

**"Hello," **Deadpool said. **"****I'm just a poor, lost tourist, so why don't you give me directions to your leader so I can get his or her autograph and ask where the best taco place is in the Jurassic period?" **

* * *

><p>Hands cuffed behind his back, Nick Fury was brought before the alien leader on the bridge.<p>

The leader didn't look any different from the other aliens, aside from being slightly larger and a dark green.

"What isss it?" the leader hissed.

"We found thisss man in the control room," one of the aliens holding Fury answered. "He wasss working with an accomplisss who wasss killed—"

There was the sound of gunshots and alien screams of pain, and then part of the wall exploded, revealing Deadpool standing there as the smoke cleared.

**"You were ssssaying?" **Deadpool said.

"Fire!" the leader shouted.

**"Really? Where?" **Deadpool asked, glancing around. **"I got just the thing!" **

And with that, Deadpool pulled a fire extinguisher out from behind him, proceeding to spray white foam everywhere, getting it all over everyone's faces.

The leader must have given a telepathic order, because immediately the agents and aliens in the room lifted their guns, firing at the mercenary.

But given the fact that they could barely see anything because their faces were covered in white foam, their aim wasn't all that great.

**"Tsk tsk. Don't you know better than to bring guns to a sword fight?" **Deadpool said, whipping out his katanas and spinning the blades in front of him, so fast they were as invisible as hummingbird wings, reflecting the bullets and energy blasts. **"Check out this new trick I learned from that sucky X-Men movie where they completely messed up my character! And my fight with Wolverine only lasted a few pathetic minutes! 107 minutes wouldn't even be enough to ****_cover_**** one of our fights!" **

The agents and aliens that were firing fell to the ground as the were struck by the blasts and bullets ricocheting off Deadpool's swords as he moved steadily forward into the room.

During all the chaos, Fury had kicked the aliens holding him and jumped up, tucking his knees to his chest and bringing his wrists that were cuffed together behind him down so that he jumped through his arms so that his hands were in front of him.

**"Hey! Mr. Fury McFurious!" **Deadpool called from where he was engaged in a sword fight with several aliens who were leaping around like they were on the moon and swinging at him with sharp knuckles and tails. **"Put your hands up and don't move! I saved a bullet for ya!"**

Fury put his hands in the air above his head, and Deadpool fired, shattering the chain between the cuffs.

"Thanks kid," Fury said, leaping into the fray and layin' 'em down with his fists. "I sent out a call. Backup should be here soon."

**"Won't mean anything if these aliens can control 'em," **Deadpool pointed out as he slashed and stabbed his way through the melee. **"But it's a good thing we'll have absolutely no problem taking down all these aliens since they don't have any huge #%$&in' death rays to blast us to death with or anything..."**

Just then, a group of aliens carried in a huge #%$&in' death ray, setting it down on the bridge on the level above them and aiming at the two intruders.

**"$# !" **Deadpool swore as he flipped out of the way of a freaking huge blazing hot incinerating blast. "**Wait, I can't even swear now? This is a fanfic, not a comic! And what is it rated T for if I can't swear?!"**

"Get to the WMD!" Fury ordered, rolling out of the way of a blast and coming up to swing a mean right hook into an alien's jaw. "Disable it before it destroys the Helicarrier!"

**"...killing people?" **Deadpool said indignantly as he put a hand on an alien's shoulder and swung over the creature, kicking another in the face.** "Why would it be rated T for me killing aliens? There aren't even any descriptions of all this gore I'm wading through!"**

Deadpool's sword went slashity-slash and stabbity-stab-stab, splattering the walls with a lot of green and a lesser amount of red.

**"Get it? I just made a funny. ****_Wading_**** through. Get it? My name's Wade!"**

"I don't know what the $# ! you're talking about or who the $# ! you're talking to, but would you focus more on the task at hand?" Fury growled as he removed a couple pistols from various holsters and began shooting their enemies.

Blasts from the death ray were simmering through the air like beachball-sized stars, the blasts straying wide and turning the metal of the Helicarrier to orange molten metal.

**"Yeah yeah, I got it. Hey though, I've always wondered, when we say $#%!, does it sound like dollar-sign-hash-tag-percent-exclamation-point, or does it just sound like a droning ****_beeeeeep?_****"**

"FOCUS!"

**"You think I'm not? I can talk and kill at the same time, it's what I do best—I'm the Merc with a** **Mouth, after all—and I'm the best there is at what I do! Speaking of, eat lead you alien $$!"**

Aliens seemed to stream in from nowhere, making the task of getting through them all to get to the death ray not unakin to swimming against a riptide current.

**"Hey, you could actually tell what that was supposed to say!" **Deadpool exclaimed, in what sounded like pure rapture. **"How about arse? Can I say arse? OH HEY I CAN!"**

Fury was a fighting machine, every movement precise and controlled and one-hundred percent accurate. Deadpool, on the other hand, was more of a chaotic force of nature, though no less devastating.

**"I AM GOING TO KICK ALL YOUR ARSES, YOU $#%!ing $#*%!"**

Deadpool also seemed to be pickpocketing the aliens of their anti-grav devices, causing them to move clumsily and stumble as they were suddenly reacquainted with the force of Earth's gravity and could no longer leap around like very large, scaly, ugly fairies.

**"What, I can say arse but I can't say $#*%? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!"**

"Do you _ever_ shut up?" Fury demanded, dodging another death ray blast and taking down another alien in a single, fluid move.

**"No, not while I'm awake," **Deadpool said, spinning around in a Legend-of-Zelda-esque sword slash. **"And I'm told that I talk in my sleep. So apparently not then, either. And dying has never stopped me before. So no, not really."**

Deadpool, having fought himself close to the death ray, vaulted himself from the shoulders of an alien, grabbing the railing and pulling himself onto the upper level.

Suddenly several aliens got their act together and assaulted Deadpool all at once, causing him to fall to the ground as they all surrounding him, kicking and punching and slashing. **"I feel like a—ouch!—kernel in a—ow!—popcorn machine!" **Deadpool yelped. **"Hey Fury! Give a man—yeowch!—a hand, will you?!"**

Fury managed to swing himself onto the second level as well, pulling aliens off Deadpool and beating in their faces while he was it. He extended a hand to the mercenary.

**"Thanks, man," **Deadpool said, taking Fury's hand.

And then Deadpool ripped Fury's entire arm clean off.

There was a shower of sparks.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Deadpool ran the last couple strides to the death ray, raised Fury's amputated arm, and brought it down on the death ray.

There was a flash of blinding white light and a huge explosion—and then the entire Helicarrier was plunged into darkness.

The aliens spasmed for several seconds, then collapsed to the ground, gasping as their power source was abruptly cut off.

The agents that had been controlled all abruptly came back to themselves (although they were all unconscious, having been knocked out by either Fury or Deadpool, so they didn't really 'come to' or anything).

There was a loud groan from the opposite wall as Deadpool slowly raised his head from where he was lying in the rubble. **"I tHiNk I bRoKe mY TaIl bOnE. ThIs DoGgY sHaLl wAg nO mOrE."**

Fury picked himself off the ground and walked over to the mangled mercenary. "Need a hand?" he asked, a slight smirk pulling at his lips. "I've still got another one."

**"JuSt GiVe mE a MoMeNt FoR mY hEaLiNg FaCtOr tO Do iTs wOrK," **Deadpool groaned in pain.

Fury picked him up with one arm.

**"ThIs iS eMbArRaSsInG. FaSt ForWaRd A fEw MiNuTeS pLeAse." **

* * *

><p><em><strong>A few minutes later... <strong>_

* * *

><p>Deadpool and Fury sat at the table on the bridge in the dimness, evening light and ocean breeze streaming in through where the large windows used to be.<p>

Fury's right arm was on the table in front of them, wires sticking out from both the arm and Fury's shoulder.

Nick was sitting upright in his chair. Deadpool was slouched, his red and black spandex full of bulletholes and slashes from alien tails, his limbs crushed and bent at odd angles. His skin that was showing through the torn costume was deformed, covered in massive scar tissue.

**"I figured it was your right arm that had the EMP in it," **Deadpool remarked.

"When did you figure out this is an LMD?" Fury asked, leaning forward slightly and resting his left arm on the table.

Deadpool shrugged. **"****A couple minutes into our conversation in the helicopter, when there wasn't a vein throbbing in your forehead," **he answered. **"****Hearing that you were the only one the aliens weren't able to control only solidified my certainty. They can't control your mind if your mind isn't there to control, after all. And don't think I didn't see what was beneath that eyepatch of yours during that retinal scan! So," **Deadpool gave a small moan as bones continued popping back into place and muscles and tendons got themselves sorted out. **"****Where are you, actually? 'Cause I really hope you've been in a posh hotel sitting in an incredibly comfy chair eatin' popcorn the entire time you've been directing that thing."**

"That," Fury said, "is classified information."

There were several beats of silence, filled only by the cracking of Wade's bones resetting.

"I have to admit, that was resourceful," Fury relented, somewhat grudgingly, "using all the aliens' anti-gravity devices on the Helicarrier so that it stays in the air even after the power failed and the engines shut down."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Start flashback... <strong>_

* * *

><p>Deadpool waited for an answer from the SHIELD agent he was holding by the hair.<p>

**[I don't think he's gonna give us directions.]**

**"Guess not," **Deadpool said, punching the man's lights out. **"Ah well. Who needs directions anyway?"**

So the Merc with a Mouth proceeded to fight his way through the Helicarrier, kicking moon-walking alien ass and taking the anit-grav unites from their belts and sticking them to ceilings, walls, and floors all over the place, setting them to their highest settings.

**[Look, some dead aliens! I think we've already been this way.]**

_[This Helicarrier is a futzin' maze, is what it is. A futzin' labyrinth.]_

**"Shut up. I know exactly where I'm going."**

Deadpool didn't find his way to the bridge until he'd placed anti-grav unites over nearly the entire Helicarrier. Including the bathrooms.

* * *

><p><em><strong>...End flashback. <strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>"You forgot to mention the brilliance of using the death ray to magnify the EMP."<strong>

"I never said anything 'bout brilliance, kid."

There were a few more beats of silence. The slight gurgling sound of the blood being purged from Wade's lungs as they reinflated in his no-longer crushed ribcage.

**"So, what do we do now?" **Deadpool asked. **"I'd suggest goin' out to grab a bite to eat, except that you can't. Eat, I mean."**

"Once you're fully healed, you can take the helicopter and leave before the SHIELD agents I called for backup get here," Fury answered. "Then you go home, or back to whatever it is you were doing, and I focus on how to get rid of the rest of the Zaallyxians that are still on Earth."

**"Oh," **Deadpool said, pushing himself upright, body complaining only slightly. He stood up, giving his limbs a shake to make sure they were all back to working order **"****Okay. Well, then."**

He stood expectantly for a moment.

**"You're welcome." **

"I've already given ya as close to a 'thanks' as you're gonna get, kid" Fury told him. "Don't push your luck."

**"Kid? What's with calling me kid?"**

Fury just stared at him.

**"Right," **Deadpool said, turning to go. A skip returned to his step as he started singing. **"** **I think I better go now. I think I better go now. I think I better go now!** **" **

* * *

><p>Deadpool walked down the Helicarrier hallway, talking to himself (as per usual).<p>

**"Go back to whatever it was I was doin', huh? What was I doing?"**

_[Eating chimichangas.]_

**[And then throwing our chimichangas at SHIELD agents.]**

_[And thus not eating the rest of our chimichangas.]_

**"Well, I ****_am_**** pretty hungry," **Deadpool acknowledged. **"All that healing burns a lotta calories." **

**[CHIMICHANGAS!]**

_[Chiiimiiiichaaaangaaaas!] _

**"Chimichangas it is, then! Come to daddy, little fried beef burrito babies!" **

**[Oh #%$&!]**

**"#%$&! what?" **

**[We also busted up Clint's apartment a bit, remember?!]**

_[He's probably not gonna be happy about that. Might not invite us over again.]_

**"Good thing we're rich, huh?" **Deadpool pointed out as he walked onto the landing pad and headed for the helicopter. **"Enough cash for chimichangas and damage repair money both!"**

**[You think he'll still invite us over?]**

Deadpool hopped into the helicopter. **"We'll pay him double the cost of the damages." **

**[You sure that will be enough?]**

He sat down in the pilot's seat, turning the engine on. **"Triple, then!" **

The helicopter blades whirred to life and the vehicle took off into the sky.

_[Ooor, we could just not tell him it was us...]_

**[He'll know. We left chimichangas everywhere.]**

**"Yeah, we'd better pay 'im," **Deadpool agreed as he steered the helicopter towards Manhattan.

**[And leave a note.]**

_[You honestly think he'll believe it was the fault of telepathic aliens?]_

**[He should know that only a horrible catastrophe could part us from ****our chimichangas.]**

_[Like a zombie apocalypse.] _

**[Or telepathic aliens.]**

_[Or a robot apocalypse.]_

**[Or telepathic aliens.]**

_[Or Ragnarok.]_

**[Or telepathic aliens!]**

_[Or the author of this fic not being able to figure out how to end the chapter.]_

**[She just loves us too much. Doesn't want to end the awesomeness.]**

**"I'm just flyin' a helicopter and talkin' to myself," **Deadpool pointed out. **"Definitely seems like the end of the chapter to me."**

* * *

><p><em><strong><span>END.<span> **_

* * *

><p><strong>*Deadpool (2008) #1-3<strong>

_*Uncanny X-Factor (2010) #18_

****Uncanny X-Factor (2010) #35**

_**Deadpool (2012) #15_

* * *

><p><strong>I'vebeenLOKI'Dyetagain: <strong>_Yeah, that end up as a really long chapter. I did SO much research for this thing! I'm not even kidding, I read easily over 100 issues of Deadpool comics to try to understand his character (also, his comics are really addicting, if not somewhat disturbing)._**  
><strong>

_And what I discovered? There is no understanding Deadpool. His mind works in mysterious ways. He's insane. Unpredictable. You think you know what's going on, and then he flips it all around on you, and you realize that you really, really don't. _

_I can only hope I did his character some amount of justice in this chapter... _

_And yeah, Deadpool kind of took over the chapter, and it ended up a bit more like "Deadpool (guest-starring Nick Fury)." Wade's just such an extravagant character, while Fury is much more... subtle... _

_Oh, also, the Zaallyxians aren't from the comics, or from anything else. I totally made them up. _

_Anyways. If you read this, I really hope you enjoyed! And reviews are much appreciated ;3_


End file.
